Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

Gasoline is so overpriced right now, ExxonMobil just changed the names of their three grades of gas to Tall, Grande, and Venti!

0

0

I’m tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That’s deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

0

0

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Repeat.
Repeat who?
Okay, who who who who who who...

0

0

Three guys are stranded on a remote island when a native appears out of nowhere and says,
"I will grant you one weapon with which to кill yourself so I can make a boat out of your skins." The first guy wishes for a pistol, shoots himself, and dies. The second guy does the same, but the third guy wishes for a fork, stabs himself everywhere, and says,
"Ha! Try making a boat out of that!"

0

0

Shiт! My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs! I've been his customer for 4 years, but I had no idea he was a barber.

0

0

A wife saw her husband weight himself on the scale trying to pull in the stomach. The wife thought he was trying to reduce his weight on the scale. So she said,
"You know, I don't think that will help you." The husband replies,
"Of course it helps. It is the only way I can see the number on the scale."

0

0

There once was a Realtor named Hall
With a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight
Plus his рескеr times eight
Is his phone number. Give him a call!

0

0

A guy riding on a motorcycle was wearing a tee-shirt. The back of his shirt says,
"If you can read this the b*tch fell off."

0

0

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

0

0

"My brother likes to brag about the size of his реnis which doesn't bother me, I just wish he wouldn't rub it in my face."

0

0

A violinist went to sleep. His dream was like this: An angel appeared from the skies and told him:
"I have two news to tell you. One is good news and the other one is bad news . With which one should I start?"
And the violinist replied:
"With the good one"
. The angel continues:
"After you die you will go to heaven. And in heaven you will be sitting besides Paganini, in the heaven´s Orchestra."
. The violinist, stunned with this amazing news, asked about the bad news, and the angel replied:
"The bad news is that your first rehearsal starts tomorrow".

0

0

I got in a fight one time with a really big tough guy who said,
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said,
"Oh, yeah? Why?" I said,
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

0

0

You save a Damsel rom falling off the side of a cliff. As your holding onto her, say" Hey baby, hows it hanging?"

0

0

A guy drops a sword from the sky. When he gets off he sees a girl crying. He says "What's wrong?" The girl says,
"Well, a sword fell from the sky and killed my cat. Another guy drops a gun from the sky and sees a boy crying. He asks "What's wrong?" He says "A gun fell from the sky and shot my dog." Another guy drops a bomb from the sky and sees a little boy laughing. He asks, "What's so funny?" He says "My mom farted so hard the house blew up!!"

0

0

What does Delaware?
New Jersey!

0

0

Mom:
"Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?"
Me:
"Shouldn't you be in the Kitchen?"
I've never been hit so hard.

0

0

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate Hamsters.

0

0

I made a terrible mistake the other night by renting a Tyler Perry movie. It was so bad that Redbox support called me the next day and offered me $20 just to keep it forever.

0

0