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There was this girl who really wanted a воов job, so she went to see a plastic surgeon, Dr. Jones. Dr. Jones told her the cost would be $3500.00. She then told Dr. Jones she could not afford to spend that much, so he told her if she waived her hands like a duck quacking in front of her вrеаsтs daily saying, "Mary had a little lamb, her fleece was white as snow," her воовs would begin to grow. The next day she was on a bus and remembered she forgot to do the chant. She began to secretly do it, and while she was doing it, a gentleman turned around and asked her if she went to Dr. Jones. She then asked why? He replied with a hand motion moving up and down chanting, "Hickory, Dickory, Dock."
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A Fiat 500 pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light. "Do you have a car phone?" asked the driver of the Fiat. "Of course I do," replied the haughty deluxe-car driver. "Well, do you have a fax machine?" The driver of the Rolls sighed, "I have that too."
"Then do you have a double bed in the trunk?" the Fiat driver wanted to know. Embarrassed, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he ordered a mechanic to install a double bed in the trunk. A week later the Rolls driver passed the same Fiat 500 parked on the side of the road with the back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls, and bangs on the Fiat's back window until the driver sticks his head out. "I wanted to tell you I have a double bed installed," says the proud Rolls driver. The Fiat driver is unimpressed, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"
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An old lady was knitting & speeding down the highway. A cop pulled up alongside her vehicle & yelled, "Pull over!" She yelled back, "No, they're mittens!"
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
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Have you ever noticed how humans are a lot like lemmings? Try standing at a crosswalk, and then before the light even turns green, take a step and see how many people actually step out along with you. And how when you are waiting with a crowd outside a locked business, there is always one person that comes along, pushes through the crowd and tries the locked door. As if everyone was just standing there for fun! Come on people!
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Why did the penny jump off the building and the dime didn't? Because it made more cents!
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Signs you might be a redneck: You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunк. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
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Little Red Riding Hood was walking around in the forest with her basket and suddenly in the distance she sees the Big Bad Wolf. Little Red Riding Hood went up to the wolf and said,
"Big Bad Wolf, why do you have such little eyes?" she asked. He responded, "Oh go away you! I'm taking a роор!"
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What's Barney's favorite movie?
The Color Purple.
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My maid is a commercial cleaner. She only cleans during commercials.
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What is the last thing you take off before you go to bed? Your feet off the ground.
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What's the difference between a Nаzi salute and a gаy guy? A 45 degree angle.
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Life is like a roll of toilet paper, the closer to the end you get the faster it goes.
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"Housework won't кill you, but then again why take the chance?" - Phyllis Diller
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I walked into the antique store and said,
"What's new?"
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How do you кill the circus? You go for the juggler.
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Times are getting better. I used to sleep in my 2 door sedan; now I sleep in a van!
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