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I walked into the antique store and said,
"What's new?"

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How do you кill the circus? You go for the juggler.

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Times are getting better. I used to sleep in my 2 door sedan; now I sleep in a van!

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Two rich businessmen are walking as friends in a park.
The first businessman whos name was Joe discovered a pile of dog роор on the sidewalk. He then told the other businessman, Jack, that if Jack ate the pile of роор he will give Jack a billion dollars. Jack agreed, so he ate the pile of роор and gained a billion dollars.
Later, Jack saw another pile of роор on the grass. He told Joe that if he ate it, he will give back the billion dollars. Joe agreed because he didn't want to lose the money, and he did.
Much later, the two men were all crying their eyes out because they both ate a pile of роор and didn't gain a cent!

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Two guys are outside of a bathhouse. One guy says,
"Did you take a bath?" The other guy says,
"No, I think you're supposed to leave them inside."

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If silence speaks a thousand words, how loud is a thousand words?

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You're riding a horse at full speed. A giraffe is beside you, an elephant in front of you, and a lion behind you! What do you do? You get off the carousel

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How much wood would a wood chuck chuk if he was black .... he wouldnt he would tell mr веаvеr to do it for him

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I'd better get a library card because I'm checking you out

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Being smart is a great тооl for knowing how to make big achievements. But sometimes, playing dumb will move things along a bit.

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How to dodge a ticket: if you get caught in the carpool lane by yourself, just tell the cop you're schizophrenic.

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I used to write horoscopes for a living, but I got fired because every day for Cancer I'd just write, "Keep fighting."

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John:
"I didn't use a recipe for the casserole; I made it from scratch off the top of my head!"
Bob:
"I thought I tasted dandruff."

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I have a mind like a steel trap, which can be dangerous. Every time I get an idea, it snaps my neck and swallows my face.

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I was recently charged with domestic violence and I won. It's safe to say I beat that. But it wasn't my fault - she never listened, always ignored me when I talked, but whenever I flip her off, she would flip me off. That's the last time I date a deaf girl...

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What's green and laughs at you while riding away? A Leprechaun on a race horse!

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The following is a telephone conversation:
Caller 1: Hello,is this James?
Caller 2: No,this is Knott.
Caller 1: Then who are you?
Caller 2: I told you,this is Knott.
Caller 1: Please tell me your name.
Caller 2: Will Knott.
Caller 1: Please tell me!
Caller 2: I told you! Will Knott.
Caller 1: AAARGHH!!
After few moments of silence,
Caller 2: Who are you?
Caller 1: Watt.
Caller 2: Please tell me your name.
Caller 1: I just told you! Watt is my name.
Caller 2: Thats what I asked you! What is your name?!
Caller 1: Thats what I told you! Watt is my name!!
Thus they both were famished.

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A guy falls down in the street. To make sure he is not embarrassed in front of the neighbors, he crawled all the way home.

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