Jokes

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The most annoying people are those that are in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done.."

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I normally struggle with my laziness. should I sit down and do nothing, or lie down and do nothing.

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Playing pass with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a ball.

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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?

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Did you sit in frosted flakes? 'cause that аss is GRRRRREAT!

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I told my girlfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told my mom my girlfriend is rетаrdеd. They have no idea!

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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?

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My girlfriend isn't allowed to have candles on her birthday cake. What you wishing for? All your dreams came true when you met me.

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
He's for me,
Not for you,
If by chance,
You take my place,
I'll take my fist, And smash your face.

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Daddy, I hate mommy's guts.
Just eat what you can son.

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"Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there."
Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

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I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

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Want to see something dissapear?
How
Bend over and lets see

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Eventually the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

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I am reminded that English is a flawed language every time I am forced to use "that that" in a sentence. It's not fair that that happens.

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You wanna go camping?
I've already pitched a tent.

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My mom bought cheap toilet paper. Bad decision.
Now we got a real mess on our hands.

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I was bored so I said "Wow, that's a weird place to put a piano." You wouldn't believe how many people looked around for a piano. I was in an elevator.

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