Life Jokes

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Why don't you slip into something comfortablelike a coma.

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Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

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What did the blanket say to the bed?
No fears, I've got you covered!

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Before sеx, you help each other get nакеd. After sеx you dress yourself.
Moral of the story: No one helps you once you're fuскеd.

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What do you call a girl who does not маsтurвате?
A liar

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Why should you send your sweetie a valentine? Because you always heart the one you love.

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Today I feel like a тамроn.
In a good place... at the wrong time.

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Recently a cartoonist was found dead at home. The details are sketchy.

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We used to have Reagan, Jonny Cash, and Bob Hope. Now we have Obama, no cash, and no hope.

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I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look sтuрid.

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Constipated people don't give a shit

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Q: Did you hear about the short sighted rabbi?
A: He got the sack.

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The light at the end of the tunnel... might just be an incoming train.

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A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

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Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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Twitter is my 'serious' account. My Bank account is the 'joke' one.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

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