Life Jokes

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How does a woman show she's planning for the future? Plastic Surgery.

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I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

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Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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If the answer to all questions is yes, so why not?

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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

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The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

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I will have enough money for the rest of my life. Of course, if I don't buy and eat anything.

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Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

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I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.

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Darling, what are you thinking about right now? If I would want you to know, I would say it not think about it.

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That awkward moment when you're in a meeting and your stomach decides to sound like a dying whale.

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Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

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Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

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Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

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As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

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The problem with being in the center of attention is that half of it is always behind your back.

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Social life? You mean my phone?

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