Life Jokes

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Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

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There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.

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It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.

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Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.

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Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

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Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

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You don't work - you don't have money to live, you work - there's no time to live.

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If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?

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You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

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Escalators don't break down... they just turn into stairs.

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The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

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A procrastinator's work is never done.

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The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."

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Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

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In my spare time I like to read, write, and fall in love with unavailable people.

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