Life Jokes

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The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

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Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.

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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

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Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.

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I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Love - is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the вееr I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this вееr, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this вееr and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

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Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

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Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

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Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

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Cake: the answer, no matter the question.

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Want to hear a pizza joke... nah, it's too cheesy. What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one. Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it. Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it's too lame.

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

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People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.

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Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

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If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.

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Farting is like the frozen song.
In the public: Conceal, don't feel... Don't let them know.
At home: Let it go, let it go... Can't hold it back anymore.

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