Life Jokes

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Life didn't work out, but everything else is not that bad.

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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there's no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

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If mummies are from egypt, then where are daddies from?

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I just hired a private investigator to find out what I do all day.

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If you can't convince them, confuse them.

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Love - is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.

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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the вееr I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this вееr, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this вееr and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

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Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.

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Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".

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Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

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Cake: the answer, no matter the question.

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If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

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People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with "lol" should be shot.

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Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.

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If I had a dollar for everytime I had an existential crisis it wouldnt matter because currency is a social construct and life is meaningless.

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Farting is like the frozen song.
In the public: Conceal, don't feel... Don't let them know.
At home: Let it go, let it go... Can't hold it back anymore.

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Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

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