Life Jokes

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If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.

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Don't go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

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The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.

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No one is listening until you fаrт.

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The end of a relationship isn't the worst thing. It's worse when it doesn't end after the end.

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Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

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Did Adam and Eve ever have a date? No, but they had an Apple.

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Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shiтs on your head.

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Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.

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A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

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Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

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With a calendar, your days are numbered.

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You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, ‘Fuск it - just grab a pile of shiт. We'll get a bag at the airport'.

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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

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Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

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Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode - really...

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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? They're trying not to attract any more undue blame then they already have.

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Karma is like 69. You get what you give.

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