Life Jokes

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The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

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Secret: Something which is told to one person at a time.

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Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

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I'm never wrong! One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken!

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The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

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If you have a shiттy job, you probably shouldn't liск your fingers at lunch time.

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Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

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I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

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The device will work much better, if you turn it on.

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One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.

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A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.

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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

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The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have аsshоlеs on three sides of you.

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Love is telling someone to go to hеll and worrying about them getting there safely.

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Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

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"Tired" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.

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Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors.

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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

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