Life Jokes

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Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!

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We live in an age where mentioning you read a book seems a little bit like you're showing off.

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I ran three miles today. Finally I said,
"Lady take your purse."

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The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

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Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those dreams came true.

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A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

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I am busy contemplating my future. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

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A woman is like a shadow: when you walk from behind she runs away. When you run from her - follows you behind.

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30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

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It's just a bad day, not a bad life.

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I intend to live forever... or die trying.

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We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

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Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

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That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

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She is not my reword, I am her punishment.

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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

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