Life Jokes

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I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.

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Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?

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Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

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If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shiт" and "syphilis"

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Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

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My mind is like a steel trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

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The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

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The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

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Don't judge women by kilos, and you won't be judged by centimeters.

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What did one ghost say to another ghost? "Do you believe in people?"

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Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

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Ever notice that people who spend money on вееr, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

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I'd кill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

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How Do they say "F**k You" in Hollywood? "Trust Me..."

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I'm the type of person who tries to fall back asleep in the morning, just to finish a dream.

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Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

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The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

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