Jokes about Police Officers

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Three guys witness a мurdеr; the only problem is they each say only one thing. The first guy says,
"Mememememe." The second guy says,
"Forks and knifes." And the third guy says,
"Goody, goody gumdrops."
When the policeman gets there, he asks, "Who killed this man?" The first guy replies,
"Memememememe." Then the policeman asks, "What did you кill him with?" The second guy replies,
"Forks and knifes. Forks and knifes." Then the policeman says,
"That's it! You're all going to jail." The third guy says,
"Goody, goody gumdrops!"

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Q. What’s the difference between a gorilla and a black person?
A. Police don’t shoot gorillas.

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The police came over to my house last night after me and my wife had an argument. I said “Officer there’s no reason for you to be here tonight, I’ve already tasered her.”

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Mr. John Smith was travelling home after the annual Christmas office party. …
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He had had far more than the legal limit to drink and was pulled off at the road block for an alcohol test.. …
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He was asked to get out his car. The police delayed quite a bit in attending to him (There were plenty of drunken drivers on the road that night), so he decided to go home. …
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The next morning at 6.00AM there was a knock on his door, and it was the traffic police officers who asked, “Why did you leave the roadblock last evening ?” … …
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Mr Smith denied this, saying that he was home the whole evening.
He was then instructed to open his garage door.
When this was done, the police officer asked him, “Mr Smith, if you were home all evening, can you please explain what this police car is doing in your garage ?”

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A little johnnys parents decided that the only way to have a quickie while their son johnny was in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and let him give a running report on what was going on in the neighborhood. So little johnny stood on the balcony and reported on everything that was happening. “A police car has just called at the Hamilton’s’ house, the Chandlers are taking delivery of a new wardrobe, and the Mitchell’s are having sеx.” Hearing this, little johnnys parents shot bolt upright. “How do you know the Mitchells are having sеx?”
“Because their kid is standing on the balcony too.”

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A terrorist attack has blown away 2 local houses - one made of straw and the other made of wood.
Police think that it’s probably a lone wolf.

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If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

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A Police officer approached a motorist stopped in the middle of the road before the river overpass holding up traffic. The officer noticed the driver jotting on a notebook frantically. He asked the driver, what in the world are you doing? The driver replied, "The sign says Draw Bridge".

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Called to police about 5 times today to report a мurdеr on my front lawn but they keep telling me to stop bothering them. Apparently they don’t give a shiт about crows.

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Little Peter was taking his new puppy for a walk when a policeman stopped him.
“Has your dog got a license?” The policeman asked. “Oh, no,” answered Peter.
“He’s not old enough to drive.”

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Officer: Do you know why I stopped you, son?
Driver: Cause you thought I had some doughnuts?

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A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

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I like to question authority.
Me: what is your favorite color?
Police: um.....

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A police officer saw a woman knitting as she was driving. He could not believe his eyes. He yelled at her to pull over. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "No, its a scarf!"

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A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. “You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down - what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.

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I was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where I was going.
Im on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.
The policeman asks, Really? And who is going to give a lecture at this time of night?
My wife I said

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Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s -- as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

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Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?
Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant:
Weight?
Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fат.
Sergeant:
Color of eyes?
Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant:
Color of hair?
Husband:
Change a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant:
What was she wearing?
Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?
Husband:
She went in my truck.
Sergeant:
What kind of truck was it?
Husband:
A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air
Conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trail-ring package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelin's. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up...
Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.

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