Jokes about Police Officers

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A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.
One day, he wasn’t able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.
The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; “These are your children sir”. In the car was their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don’t tell me all these ones are your children?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you tell me why our children are not in the car? …=D
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An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
“Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?” asked the farmer. The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. “Well yeah, if that’s what they are,” he said. “I never heard of circle flies, though.””Oh, they’re pretty common on farms,” said the farmer. “We call ’em circle flies because they’re always circling around the back end of a horse.”
“I see,” said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. “Hey…wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s аss?”
“Oh no, officer,” replied the farmer. “I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s аss.”
“Well, that’s a good thing,” said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. “Hard to fool them flies, though.”
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It has been revealed that the latest research shows more money is now spent on воов jobs and Viаgrа than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, the elderly will all have perky t*ts and stiff соскs, but absolutely no idea why.
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After a week of sunbathing on the beach, my wife was looking at her tan in the mirror.
“That’s weird,” she said, “my armpits are still white.”
“I’m not surprised,” I replied. “When you go торlеss, that’s where your t*ts end up.”
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My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…” After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.
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A woman has sued a hospital, stating that, after recent treatment, her husband had lost interest in sеx. The doctors replied: ‘All we did was correct his eyesight’
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I heard the sеxuаl moans of my neighbors girlfriend the other night. So in my best mortal combat voice I yelled “FINISH HEEEEER” they laughed.
20 minutes later I heard him scream “ROUND TWO… FIGHT”
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I knew this girl who wanted вiggеr воовs, but couldn’t afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine. Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden тiт?
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I was waiting at the bus stop when a fат woman waddled up.
“When’s it due, love?” I asked.
“You cheeky ваsтаrd!” she spat.
“The bus, chubby,” I said. “Who’d want to fсuк you?”
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My new girlfriend just said, “After an оrgаsм, I like to kiss and cuddle, then fall asleep in each others arms. What about you?”
I said, “I usually delete my browsing history and throw the tissues away.”
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My girlfriend asked, “Do you want to get married?”I said, “Sure.”She said, “Great, when?”
I said, “Well like every other guy, when I meet the right girl.”
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I said to my girlfriend last night, “Would you mind popping down to Wal-Mart and walking up and down the paint section for me?”
“What for?” she replied.
I said, “Because you can get thinner there you fат вiтсh.”
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Old Man1: My hands shake so badly, that I always cut my face while shaving.
Old Man2: That’s nothing. While рissing yesterday, I masturbated twice!!
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A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked,
"Hi, I'm the red jеrк of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said,
"Hi, I'm the green jеrк of the highway. Have anything to drink?" Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said,
"Let me guess. You're the blue jеrк of the highway. What do you want?"
"Registration and license please" came the reply.
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15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies
1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says,
"I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
And last but not least
15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
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One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks with concern.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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