Jokes about Police Officers

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There are three friends, Shut the hеll up, Your manners, and Bear Shiт. One day they're in the woods and bear shiт gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hеll up goes to the police station "my friend is missing can you help me?" The officer says "what's your name?"
"Shut the hеll up"
"What?" Shut the hеll up"
"Say that again?" Shut the hеll up!"
"Son where's your manners?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's out in the woods looking for bear shiт"

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What did the squirrel say to the рrоsтiтuте when he saw the police?
Quick grab my nuts !

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Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nudе female dead drunк. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fаn took off his cap and placed it over her right вrеаsт. The Red Sox fаn took off his cap and placed it over her left вrеаsт. Following their lead, the Yankee fаn took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fаn was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an аsshоlе.”

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At the gym, a hole was found in the wall of the women's changing room....
Police are looking into it!

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What do you get if you put two state cops in an airplane?
Paratroopers.

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The police knocked on my door this evening.
“Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?” asked the officer.
“Funny you should ask,” I replied. “I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love.”
“That’s true,” my wife shouted over, “but fuск knows where he was at five past.”

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Just had the following conversation with a police man after speeding.
Police: Do you know why I pulled you over for speeding?
Me: Is it because it would have been too windy to speak while we were driving?

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The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone…

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A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed.
I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”
“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”

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A middle aged man buys himself a brand new convertible sports car and having just picked it up from the showroom decides to take it for a drive. Enjoying the wind in his hair as he takes another bend just kissing the apex he spies in the rear view mirror a policeman on a motorbike. Immediately he puts his foot on the gas and is soon approaching 100 miles an hour, then he comes to his senses and pulls over.
As the policeman approaches the man starts to apologies when the officer says...
“Look its 5:15PM on a sunny Friday afternoon and my shift ends in a few minuets if you can give me an excuse I have not heard before I will let you go.”
He replies “Officer my wife left me for a policeman 6 years ago and when I saw you in my mirror I though you were trying to bring her back to me.”
With this the officer closed his ticket book and waved the man on.

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My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…”
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

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Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"
Driver:
"I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is already coming back."

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What do you do if your TV starts floating in the middle of the night?
Tell the black man to put the TV down and threaten to call the police.

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A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.
“Oh yeah?”
“Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

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One day two brothers named trouble and none of your business was out playing, trouble said you wanna play hide and seek, none of your business said sure, so none of your business counted while trouble went and hid. None of your business was looking under the cars and the police said son what's your name? The boy said none of your business, the police stunned said son are you looking for trouble? The boy said why yes!!!!

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A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught маsтurватing and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

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Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always fighting. Then one morning as Mrs. Smith was driving around town, running some errands, her car was crashed into by a hit and run driver at a relatively low speed.
A police officer rushed up and asked her if she'd taken the car's number.
"I didn't need to," replied Mrs. Smith. "It was my husband in that car."
"Did you see him?" asked the officer.
"No," said Mrs. Smith, "but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere."

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Thai police have confirmed 20 died in the Bangkok blast yesterday, the dismembered corpses of 10 male and 10 females were found at the scene along with 14 соскs.

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