Jokes about Police Officers

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

There were 3 man. Their names were sтuрid, nobody, and no one. On day the men called nobody was drowning in a pool and the men called no one was trying to help him. So the men called sтuрid said to a police officer, "Sir, nobody is drowning and nobody and no one is helping him." Then the police officer said "Are you sтuрid?" And the men responded, "Yes i am."

0

0

Got breathalysed by the police last night while driving home from a fancy dress party dressed as the Titanic. I was a nervous wreck.

0

0

Guy going home from the pub is stopped at a police checkpoint. A bobby comes over and tells the driver to roll down his window. When he does, the copper is almost knocked over with the smell of alcohol. So he asks:
"Have you been drinking, suuur?" (as English cops are wont to say). "Yes", replies the driver. "What did you have exactly, suuuur"? "Well, about seven or eight pints of Guinness, a couple of whiskies, and then one or two night caps in the form of double brandies". The copper pulls out his breathalyzer and says,
"Would you mind blowing into this, suuur"
? To which the drunк dude retorts:
"What for? Do you not believe me?"

0

0

Nate walked along a highway in Nevada shouting that, "the end of the world will come soon!" As he got closer to the city he came upon a large lever in the middle of the road with a sign that said "Pull lever and the world will end!".
He just knew this would be great place to preach his message. Sure enough, the traffic stopped both ways as people were forced to stop and listen. A large truck came over the hill and, due to poor brakes, had to decide whether to hit the lever or hit Nate. He chose Nate as it would only be the end of one person as opposed to the end the world.
The truck driver was unhurt but in deep despair over the the choice he had to make. A police officer tried to console him by saying, "Look at it this way, it was better Nate than Lever."

0

0

A little old lady came home from shopping and found a robber in her kitchen.
Scared and not knowing what to do, she raised her hand and quoted the Scripture "Acts 2:38." The robber froze in his tracks, so she called the police. When the policeman came, he saw this robber standing perfectly still and wondered what the lady had done. He asked her, and she replied, "I just quoted some Scripture." The policeman turned to the robber and said,
"Why did that Scripture make you act this way?" The robber replied, "Scripture, what Scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38s."

0

0

So I'm heading up to my parents house driving like 90 mph when a lady cop pulls me over, comes up to my car and she's like...
"Young man, speeding? I've been waiting for you all day."
I look up to her and I say, "I'm so sorry I'm late officer, I got here as fast as I could..."

0

0

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his diск. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

0

0

There are three friends, Shut the hеll up, Your manners, and Bear Shiт. One day they're in the woods and bear shiт gets lost and your manners looks for him. Shut the hеll up goes to the police station "my friend is missing can you help me?" The officer says "what's your name?"
"Shut the hеll up"
"What?" Shut the hеll up"
"Say that again?" Shut the hеll up!"
"Son where's your manners?"
"That's what I've been trying to tell you! He's out in the woods looking for bear shiт"

0

0

What did the squirrel say to the рrоsтiтuте when he saw the police?
Quick grab my nuts !

0

0

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nudе female dead drunк. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fаn took off his cap and placed it over her right вrеаsт. The Red Sox fаn took off his cap and placed it over her left вrеаsт. Following their lead, the Yankee fаn took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.
The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fаn was getting upset and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
Well,” said the officer. “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an аsshоlе.”

0

0

A mime was arrested and put into an invisible cell at the police station.
They figured if he can't get out of an invisible box on a stage, an invisible prison cell would be twice as difficult.

0

0

At the gym, a hole was found in the wall of the women's changing room....
Police are looking into it!

0

0

The police knocked on my door this evening.
“Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?” asked the officer.
“Funny you should ask,” I replied. “I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love.”
“That’s true,” my wife shouted over, “but fuск knows where he was at five past.”

0

0

Just had the following conversation with a police man after speeding.
Police: Do you know why I pulled you over for speeding?
Me: Is it because it would have been too windy to speak while we were driving?

0

0

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.
He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone…

0

0

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.
“It’s not my fault,” I said, “Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” he laughed.
I said, “I’ll prove it to you if you want me to!”
“Go on then.” he smiled, handing me the bag.
After flushing them, he looked at me and said, “Well, show me your pocket then.”
“What for?” I asked.
He said, “The drugs.”
I said, “What drugs?”

0

0

A middle aged man buys himself a brand new convertible sports car and having just picked it up from the showroom decides to take it for a drive. Enjoying the wind in his hair as he takes another bend just kissing the apex he spies in the rear view mirror a policeman on a motorbike. Immediately he puts his foot on the gas and is soon approaching 100 miles an hour, then he comes to his senses and pulls over.
As the policeman approaches the man starts to apologies when the officer says...
“Look its 5:15PM on a sunny Friday afternoon and my shift ends in a few minuets if you can give me an excuse I have not heard before I will let you go.”
He replies “Officer my wife left me for a policeman 6 years ago and when I saw you in my mirror I though you were trying to bring her back to me.”
With this the officer closed his ticket book and waved the man on.

0

0

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, “You’re being charged with being good in bed…”
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

0

0