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Relationship Jokes

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Women are just like modern art. You'll never enjoy either if you try to understand them.
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My wife only ever has sеx with me when she wants something. Last night she wanted to time an egg.
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When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.
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After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”
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My Girlfriend told me:
"You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!"
"Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet).
She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch."
So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer."
My Girlfriend says,
"Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!"
So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!"
My Girlfriend says,
"Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.)
I said,
"Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"
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There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hоокеr.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her.
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The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
- - Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.
- - Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.
- - Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
- - Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"
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Q. Why is a wife like a candle?
A. Because if you you’re not careful with them they can take away your house.
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A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."
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The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.
Wife:
“Windows frozen.”
Husband:
“Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife:
“Computer completely sсrеwеd up now.”
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Women color their hair, get воов-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…
Then complain that there’s no real men out there.
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This may save you some pain and some time. If you ever go out with someone who says this to you, 'I don't know why I'm not in a relationship; I have so much love to give,' you should just know that what this really means is, 'I am the black hole of emotional need and will suск the life out of you.'
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My wife always complains. Last week she was complaining that I never take her anywhere so last night I booked her a table but she still wasn’t happy. Apparently she hates snooker.
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A man with a gun is robbing a bank. He asks one of the bank customers if he saw him rob the bank. The guy says he did. The robber then shoots him in the head killing him immediately. The robber then asks a couple nearest to him the same thing. The husband says that he didn't but his wife did.
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My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, double whopper with cheese!
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My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.
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One in every three people cheat in their relationships…just wondering: is it my wife, or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
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