Relationship Jokes

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When shopping I always hold hands with my girlfriend. People think it’s for romantic reasons but it’s actually for economic reasons.

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Why don't couples go to the gym together?
Because some relationships don't work out!

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After visiting our house my mother-in-law got ambushed by 6 men who starting punching her. My wife shouted “Are you gonna help?”, I said “6 should be enough!”

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There's no relationship here, Travis. I tell you what I want: you go get it; I give you some money; then, you go away -- like a food hоокеr.

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years, didn’t want to interrupt her.

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The "car way" of telling how far the relationship is:
- - Trying to impress the woman: unlocks and opens the door, waits for her to get inside, closes her door behind her.
- - Dating: the guy unlocks her door and then goes around to his side to get in.
- - Engaged: The man opens his door leans over and unlocks her door and opens it.
- - Married: The man gets in to the driver's seat, unlocks the doors, and says "Aren't you getting in?"

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Q. Why is a wife like a candle?
A. Because if you you’re not careful with them they can take away your house.

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A couple were on vacation in Colorado. They flew to Denver and rented a car to sight see. One of the sights was a bridge that was more than 1,000 feet above the river. Walking out onto the bridge, they noticed it swaying in the wind.
"I don't think I want to drive the car across this bridge," one said to the other.
"What are you worried about?" the second replied. "It's a rental."

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The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.
Wife:
“Windows frozen.”
Husband:
“Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife:
“Computer completely sсrеwеd up now.”

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Women color their hair, get воов-jobs, plastic surgery, liposuction, wear heels to increase their height…
Then complain that there’s no real men out there.

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Granddad finally came out of a coma last night. He’s now dead.

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This may save you some pain and some time. If you ever go out with someone who says this to you, 'I don't know why I'm not in a relationship; I have so much love to give,' you should just know that what this really means is, 'I am the black hole of emotional need and will suск the life out of you.'

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A man with a gun is robbing a bank. He asks one of the bank customers if he saw him rob the bank. The guy says he did. The robber then shoots him in the head killing him immediately. The robber then asks a couple nearest to him the same thing. The husband says that he didn't but his wife did.

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My wife is really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for a meal yesterday and she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu, double whopper with cheese!

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My wife´s suspicious mind is really begining to annoy me. Last night after looking at my calendar she wanted to know who May was.

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One in every three people cheat in their relationships…just wondering: is it my wife, or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

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You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You approach her and tell her:
“I am very good in bed “. That is Direct Marketing.
You are at a party with a group of friends and you see a very pretty girl. One of your friends approaches her and tells her:
“That guy over there is very good in bed “. That is Advertising.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You ask for her phone number. The following day you call her and tell her:
“I am very good in bed “. That is Telemarketing.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You recognize her, you approach her and refresh her memory by telling her:
“Do you remember how good I am in bed? ” That is Customer Relationship Management.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. You get up, fix your tie, pour her a drink, open the door for her, pick up her bag when it falls and you tell her:
“I am very good in bed “. That is Public Relations.
You are at a party and you see a very pretty girl. She approaches you and tells you:
“I heard you are very good in bed “. That is BRANDING!!”

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I picked the wrong time to break up with my girlfriend. I made the mistake of doing this when the roller coaster we were on at the theme park was almost to the top, ready to plummet down the other side...
Needless to say, things went downhill from there.

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