Sarcasm Jokes

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Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.
He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.
As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say.
“It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”
Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

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Some chick said I look like I”ve been run over by a steamroller.
I said thanks for the flattery.

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Nobody is interested in your sorrow, unless you can make a joke or a poem out of it.

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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat, then I remember they just feed off attention.

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When they start getting the 5-day forecast right then maybe I'll listen to their climate change theories.

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I’d like to think I’m good in an argument. Like, for example, I was arguing with a guy the other day and he said, “If you look up sтuрid in the dictionary, it has a picture of your face.”
I said, “I’m not the one who had to look up sтuрid in the dictionary. Also, my dictionary doesn’t have f*cking pictures.”

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A stand up is getting heckled by a member of the audience. After being interrupted the comic snaps and goes on a rant.
“The average vаginа is 7.5 inches deep and the average реnis is 6 inches. This means that in this world of 6.8 billion people there is approximately 850 thousand feet of spare c*nt and 5 foot 2 of it is sitting over there.” He points to the heckler.
“But I’m 5 foot 10.” The heckler replies.
“Oh, then you’re an even вiggеr c*nt than I thought you were.”

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When people don't make sense, listen to music. It always does.

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My wife’s leaving me because I’m so arrogant.
I told her to close the door on her way back in.

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I think without doubt the best job in Iraq, would have to be Foreign Ambassador...

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I won a tidy sum on the lottery and gave my homeless brother a new home.
It was the box from my new 65″ TV.

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow.
I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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“Why has everything got to be a game with you?” My wife sighed.
“An excellent question love” I said, “but next time, please use the buzzer.”

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When I die, I’d like the word ‘Humble’ to be written
On my statue.

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