Sarcasm Jokes

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Barry Manilow 1974 - Oh Mandy Barry Manilow 2017 - Oh Andy

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Me being rude: Can you move out my fuскing way.
Me being nice: Can you please move out my fuскing way.

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When she asked me if I liked her, I said, “No.” As I stared into her tearful eyes, I said, “You didn’t ask me if I love you, though.”
“Do you love me?” she said, as her face lit up. “No,” I replied.

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The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.
I said, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook.”
She said, “You watch роrn.”
Bitch.

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Justin Bieber gets nакеd, looks in the mirror asks Serena, “Нun why is it that every time I look at my self nакеd my соск gets hard ?
“She replies without missing a beat,”Because, even your соск thinks you’re a рussy”

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1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness.
So, if you look around and you don’t see the other 4 people, they’re out having fun without you.

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T his guy was walking down the street and this hоокеr says, “Say, wanna have a good time?”
“Sure”, he says and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, “Is thi the first рussy you seen since you crawled out of one?”
The guy says:
“Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

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When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.

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I’m amazed at the skills of McDonald’s employees.
Last week I went to pay for a meal with a fifty pound note and the guy studied it like he was some sort of fuскing counterfeit expert.

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I ordered a leather sofa off the Ikea website last week.
They sent me a dead соw and some instructions on how to skin it.

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We all have faults.
It’s just that mine are better than yours.

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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over “How’s the second-hand рussy?”
Quick as a flash, her lover replies “Great! After the first three inches, it’s like brand new.”

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The other day I asked my girlfriend to text me a photo of her сunт.
She replied with a photo of me.

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I used to think it was pretentious that Subway call their staff “Sandwich Artists”.
But I suppose it is the most likely career option for an Art graduate.

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Must be lonely over there on “I’m offended by jokes” island.

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Today is one of those days where I just feel like watching a bunch of movies with my girlfriend. Can anybody recommend a good girlfriend?

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Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, “Where ya going boy?”
The son smiled and replied, “I’m a-going courting Peggy-Sue.”
The Father said, “When I went a-courtin’, I didn’t need me no dang lantern.”
“Sure Pa, I know.” the boy said. “And look what you got.”

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