Tax jokes

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Two junior doctors were involved in a fight in the hospital.
A senior consultant had to pull them apart.
"What's all this about?" asked the consultant angrily.
"It's the Tax Inspector in C ward," said one.
"He's only got 2 days to live."
"He had to be told." said the second doctor.
"I know," said the first, "but I wanted to be the one to tell him!"

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Q: When do Democrats like the idea of a flat tax?
A: After it reaches 95%

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Q: Why does Santa have an accountant in the USA?
A: So he can avoid Gift Taxes.

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Q: What is Father Christmas's tax status?
A: Elf-employed.

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The tax advisor had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.
The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.
Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, that medicine you gave me isn't working. Is there anything else I could try?".
"Fill out this tax form," suggests the doctor.
"How's that going to help me?", asks the man.
"I'm not sure," replies the doctor, "but some of my patients say it gives them relief."

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Q: What's grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet tall?
A: A tax accountant riding an elephant.

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The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

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A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

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Q: What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas Dinner?
A: Toast their clients.

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The housing market crashed because Chuck thought he was paying too much property tax.

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I hate paying my income tax.
You should be a good citizen - why don't you pay with a smile?
I'd like to but they insist on money!

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Client: What's the difference between the short form and the long form?
Accountant: If you use the short form, the IRS gets all your money. If you use the long form, I get all your money!

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A professor of taxation delivers a highly detailed, brilliant lecture drawing the distinction between tax avoidance and tax evasion. He then asks his brightest student,
"Tell us succinctly what the difference is between tax avoidance and tax evasion.".
The student replies:
"Jail."

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Worried about an IRS audit?
Avoid what’s called a red flag.
That’s something the IRS always looks for.
For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.

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Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”

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Tax season arrived, and a man was looking for a good accountant to do his complex tax return. He walked into a prospective accountant’s office, and the accountant went over the services he could provide to the prospective client.
Before the man left, he wanted to test the accountant’s number skills, so he said, “If you can tell me what 10,472 times 7 is without using a calculator, I will hire you today.” The accountant’s reply? “I can make the number whatever you want it to be.”

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Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

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