Ugly Jokes

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I was such an ugly baby that when my parents put me up for adoption, the RSPCA turned up to collect me.

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I said to my wife: “You’re like soap.”
“Aww. Is that because I smell nice?”
“No. You should avoid contact with the eyes.”

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You know you’re an ugly chick when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.

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My son asked me if he could borrow my torch because he was going out on a date. I said to him
“I never used to take a torch on my dates when I was your age”.
He said,
“I know look what you ended up with”.

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I met a girl last night who was so ugly, even a sniреr wouldn’t take her out.

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They say one is the loneliest number, they are wrong
My phone number is the loneliest number

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Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Tough question.
Which came first, that ugly bloke’s nice car or his fit girlfriend?
Not so tough.

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For years my wife battled terrible bullying because of her huge ears, and last night she finally could take no more and tried to кill herself.
Luckily, her head wouldn’t fit in the oven.

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I went on a date this evening.
I said, “So, are you a vampire?”
“No,” she said, with a puzzled look on her face.
I said, “So you can see your reflection and you still come out looking like that?”

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To all those who complain that the burger in advertising looks much better than in reality… Look at your profile picture and then look in the mirror.

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Hey girl, looks like you fell out of the beauty tree .
But missed all the branches on the way down.

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The wife came out of the bathroom stark nакеd after her shower and walked into the bedroom. She said to me “Ваве, shut the curtains. I don’t want the neighbours to see me nакеd.”
“Don’t worry” I replied, “If the neighbours saw you nакеd they would shut their own fсuкing curtains.”

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