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Вицове за времето English Wetterwitze, Wetter Witze, Wet... Español Анекдоты про погоду Français Italiano Ελληνικά Македонски Türkçe Українська Português Polski Svenska Nederlands Dansk Vitser om været Suomi Időjárás viccek Româna Čeština Lietuvių Latviešu Hrvatski
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Weather jokes

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Η οροφή Πέρα βρέχει.... Две блондинки отиват на пазар. Блондинка на бензиностанция. Зарежда колата Eine Blondine stürmt in eine Werkstatt und hechelt: A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager There are three blonds that went to the store. Μια ξανθιά κλείδωσε τα κλειδιά της στο αυτοκίνητο. Πηγαίνει λοιπόν σε ένα συνεργείο και ζητάει ένα σύρμα για να τραβήξει την ασφάλεια από το λίγο ανοιχτό παράθυρο του αυτοκινήτου της. Έκπληκτος ο μηχανικός που μια ξανθιά μπόρεσε να σκεφθεί μια τέτοια λύση Två blondiner hade råkat låsa in sina nycklar i bilen. En av blondinerna försökte bryta sig in i bilen medans den andra kollade så att kusten var klar. Till sist gav den första blondinen upp och sa: - Jäklar Deux blondes sont dans un stationnement en train d'essayer de débarrer la porte de leur Mercedes avec un support car elles ont embarré les clefs a l'intérieur... La première blonde dit : - Maudit Twee blondjes staan bij de auto te sukkelen met het slot. Ze zijn namelijk de sleutel kwijt. Plots begint het zachtjes te regenen. Zegt het ene blondje tegen het andere: "Schiet op Det var en gang to blondine som var å handlet. Da de kom tilbake til bilen Sally and Brenda (both blondes) exited and locked the car in a hurry Δυο ξανθιές προσπαθούν να ξεκλειδώσουν την πόρτα του αυτοκινήτου τους με μια κρεμάστρα. Πρώτη ξανθιά: Δεν μπορώ να την ξεκλειδώσω αυτή την πόρτα Δεύτερη ξανθιά: Καλύτερα να βιαστείς. Έχει ξεκινήσει...
There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too sтuрid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
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As I shopped, the following announcement came over the department store's PA system:
"If someone here has a convertible with the top down, it just started raining. Towels are located in aisle five."
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Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull his pants down?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
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On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sеx in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's drop-dead gorgeous.
Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."
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The July temperature in Joplin climbed over the one hundred mark.
Despite the scorching heat, Bozell was outside painting his house.
A passerby stopped for a moment to watch him and then asked, "How сuм yer wearin' two jackets?"
"'Cause," said the redneck, "the directions on the can say ta put on two coats!"
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I use the internet to tell me what the weather's like.
How do you do that?
I carry my laptop outside and if it gets wet, I know it's raining!
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Q: What 80's rock band is banned from New Orleans and why?
A: The Scorpions. Every time they're in town, they rock you like a hurricane.
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Yo mama's so fат that when she jumped into the ocean a hurricane began.
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The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
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Yo mama's so fат that when she puts on a jumper it's known as global warming.
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Q: What is the sound of Chuck Norris clapping one hand?
A: Thunder.
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It was very hot, and this guy runs to a nearby store to buy a hand fаn.
There were two similar fans in make and model but one was 25 cents and the other was 50 cents.
The guy opted for the cheaper one thinking that they work the same way.
Before he left the store, the owner tried to impress on the buyer on how each works, but the buyer was not interested - a fаn is a fаn is a fаn, and he knows how to work it.
The 25 cent fаn broke.
He came back yelling and screaming that the fаn was no good.
The owner explained that he should have got the operating instructions:
"With the 50 cent fаn, you move your wrist left and right to get the air flowing. With the 25 cent fаn which works differently, you hold the fаn steady in your wrist and move your head left to right to get the air flowing."
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Go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Yours sincerely, 
The CAT
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Q: What do the mosquito parents say to their small children, when they see people lying on the sandy beach during a hot summer day more than 15 minutes?
A:
"Kids, prepare the cutlery and your сhin-straps.
Our lunch is already heated up and ready for the consumption!"
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Women and Bad Weather Unterschied zwischen Frauen und Taifunen Γιατί όλοι οι τυφώνες έχουν θηλυκό όνομα; - Защо ураганите ги наричат все с ​​женски имена? - Знаете ли какво е общото между жената и торнадото ? Was haben Frauen und Tornados gemeinsam: ¿Por qué los huracanes en su mayoría tienen nombres de mujeres? И жените и торнадото започват с духане а после ти отнасят къщата ... Каква е приликата между блондинката и торнадото? Quelle est le point commun entre une femme et un ouragan? Was haben eine Frau und ein Hurricane gemeinsam? Beide kommen warm und feucht Pourquoi les tornades ont toujours des noms de filles? Parce qu'elles arrivent chaudes et humides et repartent avec ta maison et ta voiture. Τι κοινό έχει το τσουνάμι με το μουνί? Έρχονται και τα δύο ζεστά και υγρά και φεύγουν με αμάξι και σπίτι. Pourquoi les ouragans ont-ils tous des noms de femmes ? Car quand ça arrive - Чому урагани називають жіночими іменами? - Спочатку - загадкові і непередбачувані Q: How are women and tornadoes alike? A: They both moan like hell when they come Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam? Sie sind heiß und feucht Q: How are women and a hurricane alike? A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild ¿Por qué los huracanes tienen nombre de mujer? Porque cuando llegan son salvajes y mojados Varför döper man tornados efter kvinnor? De dyker inte upp så ofta Was haben Frauen und Orkane gemeinsam ?? Es fängt mit einem Blasen an Hvorfor får orkaner altid pige navne? – Når de kommer er de våde og vilde og når de går tager de hus og bil med sig… maestra porque a los huracanes les ponen nombre de mujer? porque cuando se enojan se llevan todo casa carro Hva er likheten mellom jenter og orkaner? - Våte og ville i begynnelsen men tar med seg hus og bil når de drar.. Opkaldt efter kvinder Hvorfor er alle orkaner opkaldt efter kvinder? – Fordi de er våde og vilde når de kommer Dlaczego kobieta podobna jest do huraganu? - Bo wprawdzie najpierw jest ciepła i wilgotna Miksi hirmumyrskyille annetaan naisten nimet? - Ne saapuvat villeinä ja märkinä Perché gli uragani hanno nomi femminili? Perché quando arrivano sono bagnati e scatenati Waarom hebben orkanen meestal vrouwelijke namen? - Ze komen meestal nat en krachtig aanzetten ¿ En qué se parecen las mujeres a los huracanes? En que llegan fuertes y salvajes y se van con tu carro y tu casa. - Varför ger man tropiska orkaner kvinnonamn? - Det är för att de är vilda och våta när de kommer. Och när de försvinner tar de med sig bilen och huset... Varför är alla orkaner uppkallade efter kvinnor? - Eftersom de båda är våta och vilda när de kommer och så tar de både hus och bil med sig när de går! Sabe porque que mulher é igual a tsunami? R: Porque quando vem vem cheia de onda Perchè i più grandi tornado hanno il nome di donna? Perchè quando arrivano sono caldi e umidi... e quando se ne vanno Kāpēc viesuļvētras sauc sieviešu vārdos? - Iesākumā tās ir noslēpumainas un neprognozējamas
Question: Why are hurricanes sometimes named after women?
Answer: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
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Hurricanes are really just Chuck Norris breathing into the rain.
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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not.
Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does.
He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?"
The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
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