Wife jokes

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It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

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I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

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My wife is a body builder.
She’s pregnant.

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Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?
Because he was a neck-romancer.

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My wife told me she was leaving me because she couldn’t live with me always making sтuрid Star Wars puns.
I said, “Divorce is strong with this one…”

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My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.

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My wife claims I have a poor sense of direction.
I don’t know where she’s coming from.

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My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy.
She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the вrеаsтs of an 18 year old.”
I said, “Oh yeah, and what did he say about your 45 year old аss?”
She said, “Your name never came up in conversation.”

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My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.

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My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.

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My wife just threw away my favorite herb.
She’s such a thyme waster.

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I went to the doctor and told him that I’m having trouble ‘satisfying’ the wife.
He told me I should do what he does.
I asked, “What’s that, then?”
He said, “Earn 100k a year.”

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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop eating pasta.
Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

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My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
She soon came around.

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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.
It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

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My wife said that quilts are better than duvets.
I told her to be careful making blanket statements like that.

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My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sеxy.
I just don’t see it.

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My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.
She told me she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.
I replied “Wooden tie?”

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