NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch and go back to Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Um. Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and don't touch a thing!'"
The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"Sсrеw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sасrifiсе my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
A Koala and a Prostitiute had just finished having sеx, so the Рrоsтiтuте said, "All right, now give me my money!"
The Koala replied, "Money, what for?"
"What for?", the Рrоsтiтuте growled,
"Look up Рrоsтiтuте in the dictionary and read what it says."
So the Koala looked up рrоsтiтuте in the dictionary.
It said, "Рrоsтiтuте- A woman who is paid to have sеx."
" Okay," said the Koala, " now you look up Koala in the dictionary, and read what it says."
So the Рrоsтiтuте looked up Koala in the dictionary.
It said, "Koala- A furry animal who eats bush, then leaves."
A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.
While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup.
While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup.
This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which contained a screaming, bellowing baby.
The gentleman kept repeating softly, “Don’t get excited, Albert; don’t scream, Albert; don’t yell, Albert; keep calm, Albert.”
A woman standing next to him said, “You certainly are to be commended for trying to soothe your son, Albert.”
The man looked at her and said, “Lady, I’m Albert.”