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I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesmen for many years running.
The trick was to just leave a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.

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That moment when you want to be really cool in the cinema and start flipping popcorn into the air to catch it with your open mouth, but instead you get it in your open eye and the rest of the movie is just blurry.

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The urologist is about to leave his office and says:
Ok, let's рiss off now."

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Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says:
“Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.”
“Really? Why do you think so?”
“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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Q: How long does a Russian need to reach a BAC of 0,8?
A: About two days of no drinking.

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That moment when you’re trying to fish out a piece of meat from between your teeth and end up looking like you’re having fасiаl spasms.

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Three men are riding on just one motorcycle. They pass a police patrol. The policeman shouts after them: “Police! Stop your vehicle now!” But they just continue driving past.
The last man turns around and yells: „Sorry dude! We can’t take you on, we’re already one too many!”

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I found the perfect new super hero name for me:
Irony Man

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Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?”.
“No, how?”
“I’ll tell you tomorrow.”

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“A vоdка please!”
“Ma’am, this is a McDonald’s.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright. McVodka then.”

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An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.
First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".
The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suск the chocolate around them."

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An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled :
– “So where’s your igloo?”
The friend replies
“Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”

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Long-term marriage? That means that when your wife asks you to sтriр, it’s more likely that she’s trying to fill up the space in the washing machine than anything else.

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A man looks at himself in the mirror: “1 inch more and I’d be a king.”
The mirror replies: “1 inch less and you’d be a queen.”

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A little boy, already tucked in bed, asks his daddy to please leave the light on.
“But why? Such a big boy?”
“I’m afraid of the dark, daddy…”
“Now that’s just racist, son!”

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Why is the banana crooked?
So it would fit in the peel, which is also crooked…

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(You): Do you wipe your вuтт with your right or your left hand?
(Victim): With my right hand.
(You): That’s disgusting. I use toilet paper.

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In the car repair shop:
Customer: “Can you save my car?”
Repair man: “I believe we could, by sсrеwing a new car in between the license plates.”

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