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People sometimes tell me scary things, like “You have a great inner beauty.”
I’m just thinking: “Stay away from my kidneys.”

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I love karma. I can do terrible things to all sorts of people whenever, wherever, and know the ваsтаrds deserved it.

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One prison guard to the other: “Have you heard that prisoner 234 broke out yesterday?!”
The other guard: “Thank goodness. Finally the hammering racket stops.”

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He: “When I see a sтuрid face I have to laugh.”
She: “Doesn’t that make shaving yourself kind of difficult?”

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no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

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Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.

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Which bus never drove any street?
The globus.

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I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.

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Do you know why I can’t be buried in a cemetery?”
[No]
“Because I’m still alive.”

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If you kept yelling for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat up a cup of tea.

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A dung beetle goes into a bar and asks, "Yo, is this stool taken? "

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Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!

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How many gorillas can fit into a car?
Eight.
How many chickens can fit into the car?
None, the car is already full of gorillas.

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the 17th century!
The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

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I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people.
But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

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Sometimes I drink water - just to surprise my liver.

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Hearing voices in your head is normal.
Listening to them is quite common. Arguing with them – acceptable. It is only when you lose that argument that you get in real trouble.

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According to my mirror I am pregnant.
The father is Nutella.

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