Attitude Jokes

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Whenever I have a one night stand, I always use protection. A fake name and a fake number.

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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that

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People are making end of the world jokes. Like there is no tomorrow.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

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I'm here for whatever you need me to do from the couch.

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Those of you who think you know it all are dамn annoying to those of us who do!

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Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.

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Hit snooze until the panic sets in.

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You should be wearing a jersey so i dont have to ask for your name or number

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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiот.

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Mostly men lie before the elections, sеx and after fishing.

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The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.

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The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one.

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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:
" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

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Where does one apply to be a "kept man"?

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I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.

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I'm Only Here For The Free Food

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