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If I was a judge, Instead of shouting "ORDER IN THE COURT!" I would say "STOP... HAMMER TIME!" Then proceed to gavel out the freshest beat in the history of the judicial system.
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Don’t you just hate it when you put on 20 lbs for an acting role and then you realize you’re not an actor.
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Girl: You remind me of the sea.
Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?
Girl: No. You make me sick.
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A sign outside of a restaurant boasted “We serve anything you want,”
So one smart Alec went in, and ordered roast monkey and сhiрs.
“Certainly, sir,” said the waiter and went into the kitchen only to reappear
A few minutes later looking very disappointed.
“No monkey,” smirked the smart Alec.
“It’s not that sir. We have run out of potatoes.”
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How many protestors do you need to change a lightbulb? Trick question. Protestors don't change anything.
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Roses Are Red, Violets are Blue, If I were bored, I’d be reading this too
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What do you see when you look into an Antartian's eyes?
The back of his head.
What do you call 4 Antartians in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin'.
Why can't Antartians put in light bulbs?
They keep breaking them with the hammer.
Did you hear about the Antartian who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.
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(see a bug outside) me: oh, hello Mr. Bug
(see a bug in your house) me: DIE MOTHER FUСКЕR DIIEEE!!
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Don't you hate that moment were Dora ask you "were is the mountain?" And the you say, "Oh i don't know, maybe is that giant rock behind you!"
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When I heard A new medium opened shop in town, curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to drive down there and check it out in person. As soon as I sat down, the medium entered the room, came over and sat down across from where I was seated.
She laid her hand on my hand and said,
"By the will of the spirits, you will walk today." I told her that I was not paralyzed, and I could walk. Again she said,
" By the will of the spirits, you will walk today." Again I said that there is nothing wrong with me.
After the séance, I stepped outside and lo and behold… My car was gone!
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Something to do before ya die:
Put a banner that says missing slаvе, and under that banner place a mirror And see people's reaction
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Why did the maniac burn his jacket?
‘Cause he wanted a blazer.’
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Aww my 2 month year old boy, you know, he is the reason I get up i the morning... ..16 times.
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Got thrown out of my local swimming pool today for urinating. I probably could have got away with it if I was in the pool and not on the diving board.
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I’ve heard some sympathy stories on X Factor but this one definitely got my vote…
‘I nearly didn’t come, but it was my dying brother’s wish to enter me.’
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Back in the day, you might get a few smiles telling this joke:
“Wherever you find four Baptists, you’ll find a fifth.” …..
All those jokes about fifths are gone, along with typewriter jokes, TWA Airlines jokes, rotary dial phone jokes, Bill Clinton jokes, etc. Distilleries don’t sell hоосh by the fifth any more.
Try getting a laugh in the courtroom pleading the 750 Milliliter.
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We got four boring seasons on the east coast: winter, spring, summer, and fall. You ever been to California? Wind, fire, mud, earthquakes.
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What тооl does Count Dracula use when he repairs his car?
A Vamplier
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