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Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".
Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".
To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".
The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"
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Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
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When doing Stand-Up Comedy, Hostage jokes aren’t funny…
…….. ………
Unless you execute them well.
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When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a parking lot.
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Fell asleep at a party last night and some ваsтаrd put a teabag in my mouth.
Wait until I see them, no one treats me like a mug!
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I'm getting a new car. You know what kind of car I'm getting? I'm getting a Honda Civic because those are very safe cars. And I know 'cause I saw a guy total one the other day when I ran him off the road.
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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town’s register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, " I must have taken Leif off my census."
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A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Sтriр Club for his birthday…At The Club, The Doorman Says, “Hi Jim, How are You?”
The wife asks, “How does he know you?
Jim says, “Oh dear, I play football with him.”
Inside, the Bartender Says, “The Usual, Jim?”
Jim says to Wife, “Before you say anything, He’s on the Darts Team.”
Next a stripper Says, “Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??”
The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi…
The Taxi driver Says, “Hey Jimmy Boy! You sure picked up an ugly one this time….”
Jim’s Funeral is on Sunday!!!
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I just received a letter from the IRS claiming I wasn’t honest on my tax return. I wrote them back saying if you want honesty, the next time you write start the letter out by saying “stick em up”!
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I'm kind of tired of being an amateur crastinater...
I'm thinking of turning pro, but I'm going to put that decision off for awhile.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
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A Defendant in a court case was in a precarious situation regarding his Federal indictment, and the subsequent preponderance of evidence of his guilt. The day of his appearance on the witness stand, the bailiff had sworn him in for his testimony and he was asked to swear on a Bible that he was telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. The Defendant answered in his customary evasive style, "Show me the part of the Bible where there is a spelling error, and I will swear on that".
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Idiот test:
What's the color that starts with "W"...
White
What's the color of a normal cloud...
White
What's the color of salt...
White
Here is a white puppy what color was it...
White
What do cows drink?
Milk?
Nope water!
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Husband: Honey, do u smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.
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For the past 63 years, the winner of Miss Universe has been from Earth. I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.
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Sign I want on the side of my coffin...
"Don't take life too seriously. Now this, THIS is serious!"
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Why do birds hold one of their legs up when sleeping?
Because if they hold both their legs up, they'll fall.
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Had a strange dream last night where I ate a gigantic marshmallow. When i woke up my pillow was missing.
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