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You don't have to be at a desk but you must be
Sitting.
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
Your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number " 6 " in the air
With your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.

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Just had the following conversation in court.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

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I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

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Why is there a warning label for nudiтy? it should say, "Hey! congratulations! there is nudiтy! But don't forget to lock your door."

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George had taken his wife to the theater, but half way through the fist act he was busting for a leak.
Then at interval he had a difficult time pushing through the crowd trying to find the Gents down one passage and around the next until he was somewhere backstage.
He was desperate, and when he discovered a fountain, surrounded by foliage, the effect of the tinkling water was the last straw.
Nobody was about so he took out his willy and рissеd into the fountain. It was a great relief.
He took some time finding his way back to his seat and when he sat next to his wife again he whispered, “Have I missed much of this
Second act?”
“Missed it?” she said. “You were the star.”

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An Antartian wanting to learn how to fly a plane signs up at a small airport and was told they only equipment available is a helicopter. The Antartian thinks for a moment and says, "That’s fine, I'll just learn how to pilot a helicopter." After some ground instructions the day of the solo comes and the Antartian is at the commands of the helicopter. He goes up 1000 feet with no problem, climbs to 2000 and the instructor asks “ Is everything o. K.” The Antartian responds; “yes everything is going well.” The instructor is very happy to have such a great student and decides to give him the last test, so he orders the Antartian to climb to 3500 feet, make a turn and land. The instructor goes out to see the landing when suddenly he sees the helicopter falling down. Luckily after all that the student pilot was alive, and the instructor asked him, “ what happened when everything was going so well? The pilot replied:
"It was getting cold so I turned the outside fаn off."

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At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the сhin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the ваlls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared рissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said,
"That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"

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Some people say the adams apple is how you can spot a ladyboy.
Personally, I think it’s воllоскs!!..

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I remember the days when ‘Blue Ray’ was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.

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I have to get rid of my memory-foam mattress.
It knows too much.

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Q. What do you get when you mix 2 different types of bread together?
A. A hy-bread.

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Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p. M.

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I haven’t seen the new Star Wars film yet but when I do it’s gonna be really annoying because of all the spoilers people have been posting about Princess Leia dying.

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Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

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I applied for a position as a magicians assistant, laying on the table as he cuts me in half with a giant saw.
I figured it's a job I could really get in-two.

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A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said,
"You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

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I’m making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.
It’s called Thaw.

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The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "

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