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Mary comes home rather late. “Oh, sweetheart,” she called, “your car’s on Maple Street.”
“Why didn’t you bring it home?” her husband asked. “Couldn’t, she said. “It’s too dark out there to find all the parts.”
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You are depriving some poor village of its idiот.
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We got some free child care the other day.
We simply delayed going to the lost and found announcement.
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Me and my ex broke up because we just weren't compatible. See, I'm a Scorpio and she's a b*tch.
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Pokemon Lovers understand this
The steak I had the other day was so rare... I threw a master ball at it
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It was 6 p. M., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she said,
"Who is eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore."
I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" she shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
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It's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shiт you could have said
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A genie came to me and asked,
"What's your first wish?"
I answered, "I wish I was rich!"
Then the genie said,
"What's your second wish, Rich?"
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Got an email today from someone trying to sell me Mount Everest for £1 million. I told him it was a bit steep.
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Желба El condenado a muerte y el ultimo deseo На електрическият стол!!! Начальник тюрьмы обращается к смертнику сидящему на электрическом стуле: A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair Den dödsdömde hade tagit plats i elektriska stolen. - Har du någon sista önskan? frågade prästen. - Ja - Min son En mördare sitter fastspänd i den elektriska stolen och skall strax bli avrättad. - Har du någon sista önskan Auf dem Weg zum Elektrischen Stuhl fragt der Gefängnisdirektor den Todeskandidaten: "Haben Sie vielleicht noch einen allerletzten Wunsch?" "Ja Fången har tagit plats i elektriska stolen och prästen frågar: - Har du någon sista önskan? - Jaa - Co mógłbym dla pana zrobić? - prokurator pyta recydywistę siedzącego na fotelu elektrycznym. - Czy mógłby pan potrzymać mnie za rękę? - prosi skazaniec. Een boef krijgt de elektrische stoel als straf vanwege vele gruwelijke daden. Op het moment dat het gaat gebeuren vraagt de agent aan de boef “Heb je nog een laatste wens voordat we je... El jefe de la cárcel se dirige al preso que está en la silla eléctrica: - ¿Su último deseo? - Cógeme de la mano por favor. Así voy a sentirme más tranquilo. o padre foi visitar o condenado a morte na cadeira elétrica -como você vai morrer Um bandido muito perigoso Nos Estados Unidos A töbszörös gyilkossággal vádolt személyt villamos székbe ültetik. - Van valami utolsó kívánsága? - mondja az őr. - Igen. - És mi? - Megfogná a kezem? Un oltean e condamnat la moarte prin electrocutare. Este asezat pe scaunul electric si intrebat care e ultima lui dorinta. Olteanul raspunde: - Sa ma tineti de mina. Præsten til fangen Cietuma priekšnieks jautā uz nāvi notiesātajam elektriskajā krēslā: - Kāda ir jūsu pēdējā vēlēšanās? - Paturiet Žudikas ruošiamas egzekucijai – už jo nusikaltimus jis nuteistas mirties bausme elektros kėdėje. Teisėjas taria paskutinius žodžius: - Turit kokį paskutinį prašymą? - Taip. Kai mane krės
The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.
Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?
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Most common lies-
I won't laugh, I promise
Your table will be ready in a few minutes
I'm just kidding I never got your text
I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions
You will need to know this later in life
I'm fine
Ok just one more episode
I'm on my way
I'm on a diet
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You use google super often, but i bet you can't remember the order of the colors.
Like if you can't remember
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Mexican magician:
“I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos..” *рооf* And just like that he vanished without a tres.
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Just discovered a great way to save time in the morning. I now eat breakfast before I go to bed.
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Financially I‘m set for life, provided i die next wednesday.
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Being stuck in traffic can be really annoying unless you happen to have a nice cool Budweiser in your glove box.
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Teacher: Humans have over 206 bones inside them.
Student: But sir is my consciousness not inside my brain?
Teacher: Yes it is.
Student: So I think you’ll find I’m actually inside the воnе.
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They say you can only trust a person as far as you can throw them. I can trust a baby about 30 yards.
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