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Teacher is telling the class to say a sentence with the word definetly in it, mary says the sky is definitly blue, teacher says good but it can also be gray, jojo says grass is definetly green, good but it can be brown... little johny says is there lumps in a fаrт, teacher said no why would you ask that, johny says i definetly shiт my pants xD

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Give me three words that describe you.
Lazy.

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What do you call an Inibrian who has been buried for 1000 years?
Peat!!!

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It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

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Two guys ran into a bar...
They both died

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"As you get older, you lose three Important things.
The First is your Memory. The Second is your ability to remember what you just said, and I can't remember the Third thing.

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I’ve just noticed my wife is wearing her sеxy underwear. This can only mean one thing… …
She’s behind with the washing.

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Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

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This guy calls an Airline and asks "How long does it take to get from Boston to New York? "The rep says, “One min. please, ” and the guy says, “ Ok Thank you for your help”

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"And here's Моsеs Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)
- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)
- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals:
"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)
- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy:
"It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)
- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)
- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)
- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

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One day an Antartian buys a new Mercedes. She heads out on the freeway to try it out and cruises up to about 100 mph. As she was next to a big truck, she cuts him off. He yells at her to pull over, and, obviously not thinking, she does. He draws a circle on the road with chalk and tells her to stay there. He takes a knife and scratches her car and pops the tires. Then he yells to the Antartian, "How do ya like that?" She answers, "While you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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“I thought you were going to marry Eddie? You said it was love at first sight.”
“It was - it was the second and third sights that put me off him.”

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What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in

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Me: *randomly walks up to Chinese person*. "Chow tang wong."
Chinese person: *nods, points to the bathroom*.

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Вiтсh: Омg your wore that shirt yesterday!!! LOL
Me: Yeah well you see in my house I have a amazing thing called a washing machine.

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How to make a girl furious in 2 steps...
Step 1, take a picture of her
Step 2, don't show it to her

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"What's your favorite childhood memory?"
"Not paying bills."

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