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Customer: What does this fly at the bottom of my cup mean?
Waiter: It means that the fly does not know how to swim!

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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

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Just started my own charity to help the homeless. If any girls need a room please send an email with a photo attached to [email protected]/* */

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My teacher told me that only 45% of whale sреrм goes in the ocean
Me: is that why the ocean is so salty?

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The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

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John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18.
It was a very close race.

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One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife asks, “Why?
The caveman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”

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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

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Was going to run to Target to pick up a few things but I was already in my jammies. Wal-Mart it is.

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A polar bear walks into a bar.
The polar bear goes up to the bar,
The bar tender asks "what'll it be?"
And the polar bear says "i'll have a........................... вееr."
The bar tender asks "why the big pause?"
Then the polar holds up his hands and says "always had em'!"

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"Center" My wife f*cked up her back so i "Center" to the emergency room

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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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I always think of questions that no one can answer.
For example: Who picks up Guide Dogs poo. ?
Mind blown!

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Have you ever watched Night of the Living Dead? I see a rerun of it every morning in the mirror!

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Have you ever been to someone else's home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can't yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, 'Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I'd hate to use all their cotton ваlls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they've read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty.'

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I was ironing my pants and burnt my knee! Talk about iron knee... haha *slaps wife*

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What do you get when 32 rednecks are in one room???
A set of TEETH!

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How do you keep an Antartian busy for hours?
Give him/her a blank sheet of paper and tell them to write their name on the front.

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