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I swallowed an unchewed peanut.
It came out a Treet.

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When it comes to charity, most people will stop at nothing !

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Why do they call going to the bathroom "taking a dump" when you're actually giving it and not taking it?

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The economy is so bad now, Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

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So I was asked in a test:
" Who is the greatest mass- muderer in history?" Apparently Ronald McDonald was the correct answer

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There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement. Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.
Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"
A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2. He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes".

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They say there’s more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning.
That’s why I always send my wife.
Win-Win.

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The new James Bond movie in production features the oldest ever Bond girl. Which explains why he spent a lot of the movie repeating, “I SAID BOND. JAMES BOND!”

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Q. Why did the airport go to the hospice?
A. Because it had terminal cancer.

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Why did Frankie Avalon get fired from his moonlighting job as a high wire walker in the circus?
Because he refused to perform without Annette.

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Wanna see an idiот in glass?
Take a look in the mirror.

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Why does Peter Pan fly?
If someone hit your peter with a pan, you'd fly, too!

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.... Have you heard about the new Italian electric car?..... It's just $2000.
But the extension cord is $12000.

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Help stop racism with one KICKASS at a time..... THANK YOU for your patronage.....

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They always have signs in the restaurant bathrooms:
'Employees Must Wash Hands Before Leaving Restroom.' Apparently, patrons can рее all over themselves.

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Somebody has said that there are only two kinds of people in the world...
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!"...
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"

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If deaf children communicate with sign language what language do they think in

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That frustrating moment when your almost done with your cereal and the last five pieces are like, "Haha! catch me if you can"

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