Chemistry Jokes

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Helium walks into a bar fight. Argon hits him with a bar stool. Helium doesn’t react.

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The cool guys drop the base. The adventurous guys drop acid into water.

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Rule number one of chemistry: Never trust atoms. The little beasts make up everything!

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After a fight, proton sighs to his electron spouse:
“I really don’t know why you always have to be so negative.”

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It is a little known fact that you can lower your body temperature down to -273 °C and be perfectly 0K.

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An American and a British chemist meet at a conference. “So what do you do?” asks the British chemist. “I work with arsoles,” replied the American. “Oh I feel you,” nods solemnly the British one, “my colleagues рiss me off too.”

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So oxygen and potassium went on a date together. It was very much OK.

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A chemist came in a bar and ordered H2O. His chemist friend said he'd like H2O too. It was pretty messy. Then he died.
(For the non-chemist - H2O2 - hydrogen peroxide - is in its pure form not good for human health - not at all.)

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Eight sodium atoms entered the bar, one after the other. It was clear that Batman would soon follow.

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What is the difference between organic chemistry and zoology? Organic chemists study organic compounds. Zoologists study organic compounds that run around.

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Why did the Ministry of Defense order large amounts of acid? The army planned an operation to neutralize an enemy base.

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After I fell off the bike, my mom covered me with potassium permanganate.
I felt violated.

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The bartender says, “Get out of here. We do not want your kind!”
A quicker-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

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Why are so many chemists addicted to alcohol? Because they are sure alcohol is a solution.

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Which element is the coldest?
Brrryllium

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What mental disorder plagues the gas chromatograph? Separation anxiety. It got so bad, he just sits, stares and hums „breaking up is hard to do.“

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A word of warning about a lethal substance that is still shockingly widely available – the dihydrogen monoxide. It has caused the death of countless people, it is highly addictive and every single attempt to withdraw from using it results inevitably in very grim death, it forms a greater part of polluted rivers and oceans and there are no attempts made on part of the government to even regulate it, let alone ban it fully. Please write to your local MP on this subject and demand a solution!

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Why did the chemist have a problem getting a boyfriend? She had no acetol.

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