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I think it is a patently ridiculous announcement that 'your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.' Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

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TripAdvisor review for Turkey: a nightlife to die for.

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*stops writing book*
Is the color spelled grey or gray?
Fuck it
*continues writing* "The sky was light bIack, it had been raining all day"

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Two cannibals are munching on singer/musician Al Yankovic...
One says to the other, "Does this taste a little weird to you?"

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This week I managed to do 14 press ups. I did two press-ups every day for 7 days.

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Maybe I’m not imaginative enough, but if I had a time machine, I think I’d just fast-forward to bedtime.

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An Antartican suddenly realizes his house is on fire. He immediately dials 9-1-1.
The fireman answers, "Yes may I help you?"
The Antartican replies,
"My house is on fire, come quick!!!"
The fireman asks, "How do we get there?"
The Antartican says,
"Duh, big red truck!"

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Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car's engine suddenly turned off.
It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa tried to get the car to start up again.
Finally she gets out and approaches the guy behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be so kind and try if you can get it fixed for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

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Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Student:
" In a mirror... Duh."

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Went to the barbers today and had a no. 2. At first it just seemed like a fаrт but I ended up following through.

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There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says,
"Meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says,
"I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"

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What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

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Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it. Mary walks over to the artist and says, “I don’t understand your paintings.”
“I paint what I feel inside me,” explains the artist.
“Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?”

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I talk on my cell phone all the time, so much I think it's ruined my social skills, like when I'm not even on the phone. I don't even say goodbye anymore. I end every conversation with 'I can't hear you.'

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This is the best weight loss diet...
If it taste good, spit it out!

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Q. Why is sand on the beach yellow?
A. Because the sea wееd.

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Some people call me immature but I just recently finished a 700 page book in only 4 days. I really love coloring in.

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