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Husband: What would you do if i won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6 and you can start packing anytime now.
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Idiот test:
What's the color that starts with "W"...
White
What's the color of a normal cloud...
White
What's the color of salt...
White
Here is a white puppy what color was it...
White
What do cows drink?
Milk?
Nope water!
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Husband: Honey, do u smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.
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Sign I want on the side of my coffin...
"Don't take life too seriously. Now this, THIS is serious!"
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Why do birds hold one of their legs up when sleeping?
Because if they hold both their legs up, they'll fall.
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Had a strange dream last night where I ate a gigantic marshmallow. When i woke up my pillow was missing.
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You don't have to be at a desk but you must be
Sitting.
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
Your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number " 6 " in the air
With your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
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Just had the following conversation in court.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.
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I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
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Today is the 30th birthday of the ZX Spectrum.
I’ll look in on mine later; that first game might have loaded by now.
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Why is there a warning label for nudiтy? it should say, "Hey! congratulations! there is nudiтy! But don't forget to lock your door."
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George had taken his wife to the theater, but half way through the fist act he was busting for a leak.
Then at interval he had a difficult time pushing through the crowd trying to find the Gents down one passage and around the next until he was somewhere backstage.
He was desperate, and when he discovered a fountain, surrounded by foliage, the effect of the tinkling water was the last straw.
Nobody was about so he took out his willy and рissеd into the fountain. It was a great relief.
He took some time finding his way back to his seat and when he sat next to his wife again he whispered, “Have I missed much of this
Second act?”
“Missed it?” she said. “You were the star.”
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At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddam with three buttons on the arm of his chair. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until Saddam pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the сhin. Saddam started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued. A minute later Bill saw Saddam press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the ваlls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when home.
Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Saddam sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Saddam moved but again nothing happened. Saddam was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared рissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Saddam had enough of this, stood up and said,
"That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"
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Some people say the adams apple is how you can spot a ladyboy.
Personally, I think it’s воllоскs!!..
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I remember the days when ‘Blue Ray’ was an elderly gentleman who drowned in our local swimming pool.
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I have to get rid of my memory-foam mattress.
It knows too much.
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Q. What do you get when you mix 2 different types of bread together?
A. A hy-bread.
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Simple Joe who is mad for the horses thought he had a sure winner the other day at the track. The tote board listed his horse as starting at 25 to 1, and he knew the race didn’t start until 1:00 p. M.
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