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They say that if a hot girl replies to your message in less than 2 minutes, you get a bachelors degree in Communications.

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I haven’t seen the new Star Wars film yet but when I do it’s gonna be really annoying because of all the spoilers people have been posting about Princess Leia dying.

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Saw this stunning girl at a bar last night. I got her a drink, walked over to her and then felt my knees go weak and my stomach turn to butterflies. Turns out that I spiked the wrong drink by mistake.

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A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. To encourage him, his teacher said,
"You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French."
The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!"
"Great!" said the teacher; "what were they saying?"
"I don't know," the boy replied; "I couldn't understand them."

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I’m making a horror film where a sadistic snowman sets death traps for other snowmen and they have to melt bits of themselves to escape.
It’s called Thaw.

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The best answer to the question asked in an interview, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years' time?" . . . "In the mirror as always . . "

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After a year of target practicing, I've got my shooting problems narrowed down to only two problems...
Elevation and Windage.

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A tribal farmer watching a Tarzan movie rushed out of the hall the moment a tiger appeared on screen, advancing menacingly towards the audience.
The gatekeeper trying to stop him argued that it's only a movie, to which the tribal replied:
“I know it’s a movie, you also know it is, but does the tiger know"?

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I went to walmart today and asked customer service for gta v. She was confused so i told her that it was a game with a black guy who crashed his car, sleeps with prostitutes, and attacks ppl with his golf club. She came put later with Tiger Woods PGA 2010.

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What's the difference between a flea-bitten dog and a bored visitor?
One's going to itch; the other's itching to go!

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One day i bought a house, and i didnt know what to name it. so i went to the guy next door and said what should i name my house, and he said... walk into the woods and the first thing you hear name it. so i did just that and i heard a bunch of teenagers yelling at a bear calling it hairy вuтт. so i named my house hairy вuтт. a few days later a bought a dog, and i didnt know what to name it. so i went to the guy next door and asked him what i should name my dog. this is what he said... fo into the woods and the first thing you hear name it. so i did just that again but this time i stepped on a twig and it went СRАСК! So i named my dog сrаск. a few months later i lost my dog, imlooked all over my hairy вuтт but couldnt find my precious crack

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I used to be in a band called Blank Cheque.
After three years we were still unsigned.

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It's good to learn from other's mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.

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Today is no joke, #PrayForParis,

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Bill gates farted on an -Apple- store and stunk up the place,but its their fault for not having -Windows-

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So who was the first guy to see an egg come out of a chickens аss and say, "I'm gonna eat that"?

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I like how a you can use a racial joke as a census... 100 kickass votes and 1 lame... We all know who that guy is lol

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Clapping:
(verb)
Repeatedly high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

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