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Tried to explain to my 4 year old son that pooping your pants is nothing to be ashamed of… He’s totally not buying it and he’s been making fun of me for 1 hour straight.

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When you say the word ‘роор’, your mouth does the same motion as your аrsе hole.

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Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

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Why did the author write his novel in the basement?
He wanted to write a best cellar.

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Boy : Hey ваве, you're the sun of my life!
Girl : That's so sweeeeet!
Boy : Now stay 149 597 871 KM AWAY FROM ME!

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I took a tumble down the stairs twice last week...
Apparently that’s how I roll.

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When you know it's time for a new car when...
- You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
- You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
- You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
- The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
- The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.
- You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
- Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.
- The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
- The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.

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Bumper sticker seen on a little gray truck in Arkansas:
This daughter protected by Double 0 Buckshot!!!

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I'm afraid of my computer. I know when I turn it off, it's learning new things without me.

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How did the violin greet the guitar?
Cello!!

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The definition of Punctuality: The art of waiting for others who are unpunctual.

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Two Antartians are walking along the highway together when one of them suddenly turns around and starts walking back. Antartian-2 runs back to catch up with the other and very curious asks, "Why did you turn around?" To that Antartian-1 replies, “There was a sign saying wrong way go back"

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Dean and Jerry were riding a train across the west.
Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot
Of buffalo roaming the range.
Look at that big bunch of buffalo said Jerry.
Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.
Jerry: Heard what.
Dean: Herd of buffalo.
Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.
Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.
Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard
I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.

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How do you burn an idiот's face?
Phone him while he's doing the ironing.

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Im selling my roof for free… i gues you can say its on the house!

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What did the keyboard say to the typist?
You’re really pushing my buttons!!!!

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Bored? Broke?
Do you find yourself with over 35 spare hours to fill every week?
Would you like to earn hundreds of pounds every month?
Then get a fuскing job like the rest of us, you lazy ваsтаrds.

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On next week’s X Factor, the winner of last year’s contest will make a guest appearance.
It’s nice of his manager at Burger King to give him the night off for it.

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