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Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

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This guy calls an Airline and asks "How long does it take to get from Boston to New York? "The rep says, “One min. please, ” and the guy says, “ Ok Thank you for your help”

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"And here's Моsеs Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman)
- "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
- "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker)
- After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals:
"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson)
- On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy:
"It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)
- "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno)
- "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman)
- "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

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Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won’t waste your time.

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“I thought you were going to marry Eddie? You said it was love at first sight.”
“It was - it was the second and third sights that put me off him.”

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What do you say to a hitchhiker with one leg?
Hop in

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Me: *randomly walks up to Chinese person*. "Chow tang wong."
Chinese person: *nods, points to the bathroom*.

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Вiтсh: Омg your wore that shirt yesterday!!! LOL
Me: Yeah well you see in my house I have a amazing thing called a washing machine.

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How to make a girl furious in 2 steps...
Step 1, take a picture of her
Step 2, don't show it to her

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"What's your favorite childhood memory?"
"Not paying bills."

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Customer: What does this fly at the bottom of my cup mean?
Waiter: It means that the fly does not know how to swim!

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Just started my own charity to help the homeless. If any girls need a room please send an email with a photo attached to [email protected]/* */

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A person that keeps their feet firmly on the ground...
... will never get their pants on!

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My teacher told me that only 45% of whale sреrм goes in the ocean
Me: is that why the ocean is so salty?

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The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

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John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18.
It was a very close race.

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One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife asks, “Why?
The caveman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”

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