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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

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Was going to run to Target to pick up a few things but I was already in my jammies. Wal-Mart it is.

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A polar bear walks into a bar.
The polar bear goes up to the bar,
The bar tender asks "what'll it be?"
And the polar bear says "i'll have a........................... вееr."
The bar tender asks "why the big pause?"
Then the polar holds up his hands and says "always had em'!"

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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Here are a few funny insurance claims people supposedly have made:
* "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
* "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
* "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
* "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
* "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
* "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
* "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

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I always think of questions that no one can answer.
For example: Who picks up Guide Dogs poo. ?
Mind blown!

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Have you ever watched Night of the Living Dead? I see a rerun of it every morning in the mirror!

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Have you ever been to someone else's home, used their bathroom, then found out there was no toilet paper? What do you do? You can't yell, so weird things go through your mind. Do you ever sit there and think things like, 'Well, this is an old pair of underwear I got on. I'd hate to use all their cotton ваlls. I bet you those Q-Tips would hurt. I wonder if they've read this magazine before? Here kitty, kitty.'

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I was ironing my pants and burnt my knee! Talk about iron knee... haha *slaps wife*

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What do you get when 32 rednecks are in one room???
A set of TEETH!

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How do you keep an Antartian busy for hours?
Give him/her a blank sheet of paper and tell them to write their name on the front.

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I swallowed an unchewed peanut.
It came out a Treet.

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Why do they call going to the bathroom "taking a dump" when you're actually giving it and not taking it?

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Boyfriend: Bitch
Girlfriend: I been called worse
Boyfriend: Like what
Girlfriend: your girlfriend

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The economy is so bad now, Exxon-Mobile had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

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So I was asked in a test:
" Who is the greatest mass- muderer in history?" Apparently Ronald McDonald was the correct answer

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There was a manager of a company who was ready to retire, so he began training his replacement. Just before he left for good, he took the replacement aside and told him that if he ever got really jammed up, he should look in the center drawer of his desk and he would find two envelopes. He told him to open envelope #1.
Well, time goes by and one day, a big project went bad and the new manager was in real trouble over it. He remembered the drawer and the envelopes and went and got envelope #1 and opened it. Inside was a sheet of paper with just two words on it---"Blame me!"
A few months later, the new manager again found himself in hot water and remembered that there was an envelope #2. He went and opened that one and found another note. This one read, "Go get two envelopes".

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They say there’s more chance of dying on the way to place the lottery, than actually winning.
That’s why I always send my wife.
Win-Win.

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