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The economy is so bad that:The Mafia is laying off judges

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I’ve decided that from now on I’m going to stop drinking. Fed up of waking up in my car doing 90mph.

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A couple is traveling on the Kansas Turnpike resisting 40 to 50 mph crosswinds. At the tollbooth, the husband asks the attendant; “What do you people do in Kansas when the wind stops?” The attendant didn’t miss a beat when he answered, “We take the rocks out of our pockets.”

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An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
"Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!"
"Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

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Just been given a job after the following interview.
Interviewer: Do you have any experience operating heavy machinery?
Me: Does your mum count?
Interviewer: Ha ha, genius, you’re hired!

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Did you about the Antartian who said he would give his right arm to be ambidextrous?

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Film Producer: I am going to make a movie. Can you suggest a 'heart-touching' title?
Scriptwriter: I got it... Stethoscope!

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Did you hear that they discovered a dope ring at the Antartian factory?
It was 5 Antarians trying to read a blueprint

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Q. What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
A. You picket!

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Jimmy and his mom are walking in the park and they come across a 2 birds f*cking and jimmy asks what are they doing and the mom says there making sandwiches so they keep walking and they see 2 dogs f*cking and jimmy asks what are they doing and the mom says there making sandwiches so they go home and jimmy wakes up in the middle of the night he walks in his parents room and he see's them f*cking so jimmy asks what are you doing the mom says we're making sandwiches and jimmy says then why is there mayonnaise all over your face

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The conductor of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra was having an issue with the percussion section. During rehearsals, it seems they were having a major problem keeping the proper beat, and the conductor was getting madder by the moment.
"Uh oh," one of the drummers remarked. "I think he's ready to вlоw."
"You're right," said the cymbal player. "It looks like we're in for a real tempo tantrum!"

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If a lереr gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

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Why was the tomato so slow? Because it couldn't ketchup.

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A magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said:
'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick'
One at the last row shouted:
'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'

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If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

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A guy was on this website. He clicked a kickass on the joke, and clicked kickass again. It said,
"You already voted bro." He thought to himself, "What if girls are on here?"

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I have determined that there are two important lessons in life...
I can't remember the first, BUT THE SECOND is to write everything down!

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Kickass if you like воовs and рussy!!

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