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Me: *randomly walks up to Chinese person*. "Chow tang wong."
Chinese person: *nods, points to the bathroom*.

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Вiтсh: Омg your wore that shirt yesterday!!! LOL
Me: Yeah well you see in my house I have a amazing thing called a washing machine.

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How to make a girl furious in 2 steps...
Step 1, take a picture of her
Step 2, don't show it to her

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Customer: What does this fly at the bottom of my cup mean?
Waiter: It means that the fly does not know how to swim!

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Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.

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Just started my own charity to help the homeless. If any girls need a room please send an email with a photo attached to [email protected]/* */

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A person that keeps their feet firmly on the ground...
... will never get their pants on!

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My teacher told me that only 45% of whale sреrм goes in the ocean
Me: is that why the ocean is so salty?

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The undertaker called the next of kin to confirm the funeral arrangements desired for the dear departed. As luck would have it the son-in-law who was actually delighted to be red of the old battle-ax answered the phone.
“We’re sorry to disturb you in this time of personal grief,” the undertaker uttered solemnly, “but appears to be some confusion as to whether the body of the loved one is to be buried or cremated.”
“Let’s not take any chances,” “Do both” said the son-in-law.

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John 3:16. Matthew 3:17. Luke 3:18.
It was a very close race.

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One night, a caveman comes running into his cave and says, “Whew! There was a tiger chasing me all the way across the savannah!”
His wife asks, “Why?
The caveman replied, “I didn’t stop to ask!”

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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

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A polar bear walks into a bar.
The polar bear goes up to the bar,
The bar tender asks "what'll it be?"
And the polar bear says "i'll have a........................... вееr."
The bar tender asks "why the big pause?"
Then the polar holds up his hands and says "always had em'!"

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"Center" My wife f*cked up her back so i "Center" to the emergency room

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Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

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Here are a few funny insurance claims people supposedly have made:
* "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
* "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
* "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
* "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
* "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
* "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
* "I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
* "When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
* "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

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I always think of questions that no one can answer.
For example: Who picks up Guide Dogs poo. ?
Mind blown!

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Have you ever watched Night of the Living Dead? I see a rerun of it every morning in the mirror!

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