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Instructor: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Student: What are the two things?
Instructor: Your feet.

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There are only a few impossible tasks for a human.
For example:
1. You can’t count all the hairs on your own head;
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap;
3. You can’t breathe with your tongue fully extended;
4. You should put your tongue back in, you dаfт тwат.

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On the outside flap of the sign, it reads: The kitchen is close today on account of illness.
Inside flap: I'm sick of cooking!

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A new sandwich bar claims that it can make any type of sandwich immediately and are so confident that they promise to pay a thousand dollars to anyone who can think of a sandwich which they don't have. So the first customer walks up and asks for apple flavoured noodles in a sandwich, 30 seconds later the sandwich is served to him just like he asked. The second customer walks up and asks for a potato and seaweed sandwich. Again the sandwich bar owner comes straight back out from the kitchen with a smug look on his face and a potato and seaweed sandwich in his hands. Finally a very cocky looking customer walks up and asks for an elephant реnis and camel hoof sandwich,topped with panda sреrм and the shavings of an albatrosses claws,the owner is in the kitchen for a long time before he walks back out with no sandwich but just a thousand dollars in his hand. The customer starts celebrating and says he knew they wouldn't have them ingredients to which the owner replies "oh we have the реnis the hoof the panda sреrм and the claws,we just have no bread."

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What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?
You get to meet new people every day!

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I think I'm going to officially change my name to "Next"...
That way, I flash my ID, shout 'Excuse me, I'm Next' and I'll be able to go right to the front of the line.

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I don't always finish my jokes .............

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Apparently when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying “Better luck next time”!

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* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
* Ring Веll for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!
* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

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Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

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His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?
“Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

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If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

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Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

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The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.

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*Watches Netflix happily*
*Remembers homework, exam study sheets and responsibilities.*
*Watches Netflix stressfully*

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Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?
Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

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#People #Who #Write #Messages #Like #This #Are #Really #F*cking #Annoying #, #Please #Stop #! #!

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I’ve decided that from now on I’m just gonna drink at home instead of drinking at bars. It’s cheaper, there are no time limits and I’m allowed to be nакеd.

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