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Old people at weddings poke me and say "Your next". So I started doin the same thing to them at funerals.
Please hit kickass if you liked it!
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Q. There is a King, Queen, and two Twins in a room. How are there no adults in the room?
A. They're all beds!
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Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true.
Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar!
• No personal boundaries
• Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells “I OK!” and keeps going
• Poor decision making skills
• Spontaneous vomiting
• Speaks gibberish
• Gets belligerent if you take away [insert favorite toy here]
• Cries for no apparent reason
• Streaking (see #3)
• Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects
• Short attention span
• Argumentative
• Poor short term memory
• Zero inhibitions
• Loses everything
• Will pass out anywhere
• One track mind
• Demanding
• Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator
• Runs into things that haven’t moved…ever
• One volume setting - LOUD!
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A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."
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It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shiт to carry.
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Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
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If sтuрid was a disease I think you caught it.
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The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
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What's the difference between a jeweler, a vendor, and a bottle of glue?
A jeweler sells watches.
A vendor watches what he sells.
As for the bottle of glue, I thought you might have got stuck with that one.
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Just discovered I have superpowers. I can actually melt ice cubes by staring at them. It takes me quite a long time though.
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The head of the British division of Publishers Clearing House (the organization that shocks people at their door with a huge check) was recently knighted by the Queen of England.
What was the newly knighted name of this fellow?
Sir Prize!
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What's your storm trooper name?
First 16 letters of your credit card
Last 3 numbers on back and the month and day of expiration.
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I hate it when people see me at the store and say what are you doing here. Then I say oh you know hunting elephants.
Kickass if you like it
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
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How did the Antartian burn his nose?
Bobbing for french fries.
What do you call 20 Antartians in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.
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It was Loomis’s day to walk about the grounds of the asylum. Pausing by the fence, he looked into the fields of the farmer next door.
“Hey,” he yelled, “what the heck are you doing?”
“Spreading fertilizer on the strawberries,” replied the farmer.
Shaking his head, Loomis says, “Fella, you ought to have dessert here some time.
“We eat them with cream and sugar.”
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Tom, Diск and Harry were traveling in the desert. Arriving at a small village they could find nowhere to sleep but a strange inn whose landlord, though willing to take them in for the night, would offer only a bed of fire, a bed of nails, and a bed of fleas.
In the morning, they compared notes over breakfast. The bed of fire was awful,” said Tom. “Very uncomfortable. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I’m scorched all over.”
“I had a bad night, too,” said Diск. “That bed of nails was dreadful. I’m covered with holes.”
“I slept fine,” declared Harry. “My bed of fleas was no trouble at all. I just killed one flea and all the rest went to the funeral!”
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I have to admit, I am a pretty smart guy. I know all the right answers!
Unfortunately, everyone asks me all the wrong questions.
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