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If you're part of a clown posse, there's no need to tell everyone that you're insane. No one was thinking that you were an emotionally stable clown posse.

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Someone close to me died the other day. Luckily there was another space available on the bus so I moved seats.

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That moment when you did not hear what your mom said so you respond with a "sure'" and then your stuck cleaning the toilet for the rest of the month

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If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.

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After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
“Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?”
“Right,” Mark extemporized. “That, madam, is my nightcap.”

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Q. What's te definition of a bachelor pad?
A. All the house plants are dead, but there's something growing in the refrigerator.

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A young girl was so nervous about the cruise that immediately after being shown to her cabin, she headed for the bar.
Four hours later she bumped into a steward. “ ‘Scuse me.’ She said hiccupping, “I, I can’t seem to find my cabin.”
“I’ll be glad to help you, ma’am. What’s the number?”
“I dunno,” she answered, “but if you show me aroun’, I’ll recognize it from the lighthouse just outside the porthole.”

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How much does MapQuest suск? I got so burned by MapQuest. Last weekend, just for the hеll of it, I typed in my address, 76th Street, and that I wanted to go to 77th Street. MapQuest told me to get on the Garden State Parkway.

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What did the tired chess player do?
He took the knight off

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Two guys met in the middle of the desert. One was carrying a car door, the other an umbrella. The one with the car door said to the guy with the umbrella, "Why are you carrying that umbrella around, it isn't going to rain in the desert?" To which the guy with the umbrella replies,
"Yeah”, but it keeps me out of the sun! By the way, why are you carrying around that car door, you don’t even have a car to go with it” The guy with the car door says,
"Yeah, well at least if I get too hot from the sun I can just roll down the window!"

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Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir?
Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

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I went to a psychic the other day and asker her if I was gonna go to jail in the future….. She said no so I robbed her.

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What do you call a lооnеy, lifelong small town resident?
A lосо local.

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I got robbed at the gas station today. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
I said,
"Yes, pump number six."

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Can’t believe how sтuрid the staff are at the McDonalds drive through. Sometimes it feels like I’m talking to a brick wall.

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I tape popcorn to the ceiling.
It’s cheaper than a smoke alarm.

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You can really scare someone when you yell “Peek-a-boo!”.
Especially when they’re trying on clothes in the fitting room.

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A group of college students, none of them too bright, walk into a bar and they seem to be celebrating something. All of them are repeating "32 days, 32 days" with much excitement.
The bartender, being curious, asks, "What's so special about 32 days?"
"Well," one of them said,
"We just finished putting a puzzle together. It only took us 32 days and the box said 3-4 years!"

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