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A mummy, daddy and baby tomato were walking along. The baby tomato had really short legs so he was falling behind. Impatient, the daddy tomato turned and squashed him saying, "Ketchup"
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I gave it a shot, but the problem was I couldn't speak Spanish -- and bullfighting's dangerous enough without having to use an English-to-Spanish dictionary.
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My mum never realised the irony when she called me son-of-a-bit*h
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There were these two boys, Chris and Joe, who boasted about their fathers’ achievements. One day,
Chris told Joe,"Do you know about the Suez Canal"
Joe,"Ya"
Chris, “My father dug it"
Joe, “That’s nothing! Do you know about the Dead Sea”?
Chris,"Ya"
Joe, “My Father Killed It!!"
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A tourist and his trail guide were walking along a path when all of a sudden the guide runs up the hillside to a cave, yells "Wooo wooo," listens for a moment, and goes charging into the cave, stripping off his clothes on the run. He returns in about 15 minutes. The same scenario occurs again, after which the tourist asks about this strange behavior. The guide explains that if one of the young ladies of his town is in an amorous mood, she goes into a dark cave. If she hears "Wooo wooo," she responds "Wooo wooo" to signal that she is ready and willing. No one knows who is who and everyone is happy.
The tourist is amazed and asks if he might partake in this local custom at the next cave. The guide doesn’t see any problem with this. At the next cave the tourist runs to the entrance and calls out "Wooo wooo." To his delight, he hears a sonorous and enticing "Wooo wooo" sung back to him from the recesses of the cave. He takes off his clothes, rushes headlong into the cave, and gets run over by a train.
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The 65th annual Miss Universe was on the other night...
Funny thing is for the 65th year in a row, the winner was from Earth.
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It’s IKEA’s 25th birthday today, so I took them some eggs, flour, icing sugar, butter and a whisk, and told them there’s your fuскing cake.
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A drunк guy approaches a cute girl in a singles bar. “Hi Ваве, how about a date? He says. “Don’t waste your time. I never go out with a perfect stranger.”
“It seems we are both in luck. I’m far from perfect.”
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I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?
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An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo Island, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
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Just heard on the radio that apparantly 1 in 20 people live next door to a peodophile.
I don’t… I live next to a really fit 12 year old.
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At any given time, the urge to sing 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is just a whim away. A whim away, a whim away, a whim away...
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Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.
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I live across the street from a crematorium.
What I want to know is, why do they have a delivery truck drop off marshmallows every morning?
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Keep calm and read kickass humor jokes.
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After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”
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Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
They were repossessed.
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Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do?
Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.
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