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Apparently when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying “Better luck next time”!

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* Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
* Ring Веll for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!
* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

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Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

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If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

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What do you call a yard that crossed the road? A crossing yard.
What cools down as it heats up? An air conditioner.
What kind of phone does a turtle have? A shell-ular phone.

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Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

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The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.

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*Watches Netflix happily*
*Remembers homework, exam study sheets and responsibilities.*
*Watches Netflix stressfully*

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Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?
Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

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#People #Who #Write #Messages #Like #This #Are #Really #F*cking #Annoying #, #Please #Stop #! #!

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I’ve decided that from now on I’m just gonna drink at home instead of drinking at bars. It’s cheaper, there are no time limits and I’m allowed to be nакеd.

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Old people at weddings poke me and say "Your next". So I started doin the same thing to them at funerals.
Please hit kickass if you liked it!

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Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true.
Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar!
• No personal boundaries
• Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells “I OK!” and keeps going
• Poor decision making skills
• Spontaneous vomiting
• Speaks gibberish
• Gets belligerent if you take away [insert favorite toy here]
• Cries for no apparent reason
• Streaking (see #3)
• Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects
• Short attention span
• Argumentative
• Poor short term memory
• Zero inhibitions
• Loses everything
• Will pass out anywhere
• One track mind
• Demanding
• Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator
• Runs into things that haven’t moved…ever
• One volume setting - LOUD!

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A housewife answered the door веll to find two beggars outside. "So you're begging in two's now?" she asked.
"No, only for today," one of them replied. "I'm showing my replacement the ropes before going on vacation."

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A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

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It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shiт to carry.

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Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

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If sтuрid was a disease I think you caught it.

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