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I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday.
At least, I think it was five minutes.

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Dear optimists and pessimists,
While you were all arguing over the glass being half full or half empty, I drank it!
Sincerely,
An opportunist

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After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…
1920 x 1080

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Have you noticed that cars in England have the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car?
No. They’re on the right side of the car

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Q. If a peacock lays 123 eggs a day how many eggs will there be in 456 days?
A. Peacocks don't lay eggs peahens do

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Boy:I want you
Girl: Aww
Boy:To leave me the fuск alone

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Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.
Now the alarm clock’s broken and I’m wide awake, so I’m not sure who won.

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You know you’re getting old when the hairs on your ears are longer than the ones on your head.

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"Quick! Call a tree surgeon!"
"Why?"
"My maple tree is bleeding!"
"That's not blood, that's sap."
"What's sap?"
"Nothing. What's sap with you?"

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Just had the following conversation in a job interview.
Interviewer: Describe yourself in 1 word.
Me: Hired.
2nd Interviewer: Can he do that?

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Last night I had a dream that I won the Lottery...
This morning it wasn't a dream come true.

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After much searching and research, I have found the meaning of life. It's in between lies and lift in the dictionary.

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Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to have a shiт and it turns out to be a fаrт?
Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to fаrт and it turns out to be a shiт?

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Guy: FAIL!!!
Other Guy: No one wants to hear about your life

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I wish I were a unicorn…. so I could stab idiots with my head.

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Q:What can you catch, but not throw?
A:A cold.

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The local hospital for the criminally insane has been trying to help the inmates adjust to society and also get exercise at the same time. So, they built a nice nature center with a nature trail around the grounds.
What did they name this nature trail?
What else, Рsyсhо Path.

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They were the type of children who would кill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

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