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They were the type of children who would кill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
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An Antartian was standing in front of a soda machine muttering, "You're a dumb-looking button. You don't have much of a future, either. You're going to be replaced by a much better looking button."
"What are you doing?" another Antartian asked.
The Antartian quickly pointed to the sign on the front of the machine that read "DEPRESS BUTTON FOR ICE".
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That akward moment when your girlfriend come to you and asks " How do i look ?" but by mistake she steps of your foot with those heels and you scream out " SНIТ ! "
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My wife has just asked me if I want to go upstairs with her and she’ll put on a Black Lacy number for me.
I said, “No thanks, I fuскing hate Agadoo.”
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
Monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
Are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
Out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
Continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says,
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
You make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
Against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
Monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
Leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."
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Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians”.
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuск all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless!
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If Gillette continue to increase the amount of blades on their razors, then we’re going to end up shaving with cheese graters.
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If every day is a gift then in 2016 I’ve mostly been getting socks.
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The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”
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When two people love each other, nothing is impossible... Except deciding where to eat.
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You go to L. A., people complain about road rage -- that's nothing. In New York City, we have sidewalk rage. You can't walk slower than 25 miles per hour in New York City. Go to Times Square during rush hour -- I dare you to stop and look at a cloud. There's a five-person pile-up behind you. It's like, 'Hey! C'mon. What's going on? C'mon, I gotta get to the curb. Let's go! Someone better be dead when I get up there, that's all I'm saying.'
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Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles.
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
Because they're two-tired.
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“I used to be in show business. I had a very spectacular act.”
“What did you do?”
“I used to dive into a wet sponge from a height of fifty feet.
But then I broke my neck.”
“Did you miss the sponge?”
“No. Some idiот squeezed it dry”
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I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President of the United States.
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What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.
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This year I made my New Years Resolution to finish everything I sta...
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Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
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What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.
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