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Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says,
"Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says,
"Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die."
"Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."
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Can’t believe how much of a sarcasm expert I’ve become recently. People are actually starting to think I’m really polite.
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Groom: People ask me why I left a bachelor to be with this girl. Well, look at her. She's wealthy and dying
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An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”
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People can climb mountains,
People can scuba dive,
But they can't move their thumb to text me back!
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I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.
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1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
4. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
5. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
6. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
7. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
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BOY: I heard you like bad boys.
Girl: Yeahh
BOY: Well, I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I did'nt ask my parents.
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There was a young lady from Ealing, who had a peculiar feeling.
She lay on her back, opened her сrаск and рissеd all over the ceiling.
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My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read:
"Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children."
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If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
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Just did a great prank on my Grandma, I replaced all her sugar with сосаinе.
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If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
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Let me kiss your lips
Let me test your teeth
Let me test your tongue
Don't be afraid of me
"I am pepsodent"
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Me and my mates have formed a band called Water.
For people who don’t like Oasis.
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One year my uncle decided to cheat on his income taxes. The problem was that he later started to feel so guilty that he couldn’t sleep. After thinking about if for a while, he sent an anonymous cashier’s check for $100 to the IRS along with a note that read:
“To Whom It May Concern, I cheated on my taxes and now I feel so guilty that I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks, so I’m sending you this check for one hundred dollars. I hope you forgive me.
P. S. If I still can’t sleep after one week, I’ll send you the rest of what I owe."
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Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis.
Mrs. Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right side.
"So, aha! THAT's why it hurts to much." said Jacob. "My appendix is on the wrong side!"
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Jеrк: hey your mom was really happy last night.
Me: i know .
Jerk: ya i f**** her !
Me: so you weren't home last night?
Jerk:ya why
ME: cause while i was doing your sister last night your mom heard and walked in. she told me that she thought you were f*cking your sister again
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