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I’m sure the Miss Universe competition is always fixed. Why does the winner always come from planet Earth?

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An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo Island, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop."
They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

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Just heard on the radio that apparantly 1 in 20 people live next door to a peodophile.
I don’t… I live next to a really fit 12 year old.

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I went to a French restaurant last night and was served by a hideously ugly waitress. She really gave me the crepes.

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Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Short: Vertically challenged.
Dead: Living impaired.

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I live across the street from a crematorium.
What I want to know is, why do they have a delivery truck drop off marshmallows every morning?

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Keep calm and read kickass humor jokes.

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After the telephone was installed in her home, the lady called the operator.
“My telephone cord is too long,” she said. “Would you please pull it a little from your end?”

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Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
They were repossessed.

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Lisa: Do you really lover, or do you just think you do?
Bob: Honey, I really lover you. I haven’t done any thinking yet.

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I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.

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A mother has 3 sons. The youngest son comes up to her and asks her "Mom, why was I named Raindrop?" And the mom answers "Because the first thing that fell on your head when we came out of the hospital was a raindrop." Then the second son comes and asks her "Mom, why was I named Lemon?" And the mother says "Because the first thing that fell on you when we came out of the hospital was a lemon." Then the oldest son came over and said "PFFSH BWAHHH!" And the mother said "Shut Up Cinderblock."

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I can't get enough minimalism.

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When a guy/girl asks to meet up with you, just say," Me and you are like parallel lines, we'll never meet"

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I just did a Tupperware Inventory… 17 round containers, 2 square lids.
Here are other recent inventories at my house:
Item ………. Quantity
Matched socks .. 0
Guitar picks ……. 0
Car Keys ….. …. 1
Combs …. ….. … 0
Reading Glasses 0
TV Remotes … … 0
Clean soup bowls 0

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A recent survey has found that vegetarians live 9 years longer. Nine boring, horrible, worthless, baconless, meatless years.

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As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

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Why I walk funny:
10% I’m injured
90% Trying to unstick my ваlls from my leg.

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