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Went to the supermarket today to find a candle holder but they didn’t have one so I decided to buy a cake instead.
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What they should really say on those cooking shows:
“Hello and welcome to ‘Pointless Cooking That Has Nothing To Do With Anyone’s Actual Life’. Today, we are making a very complicated recipe, using ingredients you don’t have, utensils you’ve never heard of, and in a kitchen that is вiggеr than your whole fсuкing house
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A pig and a cat were walking down a dirt path. The pig was very sтuрid, so the cat had to explain everything to him. When the cat was talking to the pig about something, he (the cat) accidentally fell down a deep pit. He asked the pig to go back to their house and grab a rope.
The pig soon returned with a sturdy rope.
'Throw it down!'
So the pig threw the whole rope down the pit.
'You idiот! You were supposed to grab hold of one end!'
The pig, after thinking a while, jumped down the pit and grabbed hold of the rope.
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Went shopping last week to try and find some camouflage trousers, couldn’t find any.
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A company is interviewing applicants for an accountancy position, and the three finalists have been chosen.
The first one is called in, and asked,
"What is two plus two?"
She answers, "Four," and is asked to leave.
The second finalist is called in, and asked the same question, "What is two plus two?"
He also answers, "Four," and is also asked to leave.
The third and final applicant is called in, and yet again asked,
"What is two plus two?"
He answers, "What do you want it to be?"
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A Dinosnore. Ahahaha someone date me please.
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Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
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Whats a pirates favourite subject? Arrrrt!
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"Cannoli", My girlfriend was getting on my last nerve by telling me to go here, go there, do this, do that so earlier i just couldn't take it anymore so i told her to calm the fuск down b*tch I "Cannoli" do one thing at a time,
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One caller to our answering service gave me his name, number and message and then said,
"You know my name. What's yours?"
"4136," I replied, since we were allowed only to give our operator numbers.
Sounding disappointed, he said,
"May I call you by your first digit, or would that be too personal?"
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Timothy :Why are you catching so many fleas?
Mike idn't you see the Notice Board?
There's going to be a Flea Market at
Our Apartment Lobby tomorrow morning.
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A father and son went deep-sea fishing. Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."
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A saxophone is like a lawsuit.
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
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Don't you hate it when someone says what are you looking at even though they already know what the fuск there looking at
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I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said,
"I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said,
"Well, then, which one are you?"
And, that's how the fight started.
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A Sergeant Major stands before one of his corporals and says
" I didn't see you at camouflage class last night corporal Jones"
" Thank you sir " replied the corporal
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Misses looks at me all seductive last night like an says “Get me one of those things that start with the letter ‘D’ and ends with the letter ‘O’ so I can make sweet music by myself when you’re not here” …wink, wink.
“Вlооdy typical that is” I think to myself “Where the hеll at this time of year am I gonna find a didgeridoo?
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How come everyone loves it when when a magician makes stuff disappear but when an airline pilot does it everyone freaks out?
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