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Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.
Now the alarm clock’s broken and I’m wide awake, so I’m not sure who won.
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You know you’re getting old when the hairs on your ears are longer than the ones on your head.
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"Quick! Call a tree surgeon!"
"Why?"
"My maple tree is bleeding!"
"That's not blood, that's sap."
"What's sap?"
"Nothing. What's sap with you?"
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Last night I had a dream that I won the Lottery...
This morning it wasn't a dream come true.
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After much searching and research, I have found the meaning of life. It's in between lies and lift in the dictionary.
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"Papa, da sammelt einer für das neue Schwimmbad!" Ktoś puka do drzwi. Otwiera Jasiu: - Tato, przyszedł jakiś pan i mówi, że zbiera na osiedlowy basen. Mam mu coś dać? - Daj mu trzy wiadra wody. Un gars dit à son voisin : - Un conseiller municipal a fait du porte à porte ce matin. Il demandait si on voulait bien faire un don pour la construction de la piscine municipale. - Ah ? Tu lui as... Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool." Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water." Papá, papá hay un señor en la puerta diciendome que está haciendo una colecta para una pileta de natación. - Está bien hijo, dale un vaso de agua. - Mamma, det er en mann på døra som samler inn til det nye svømmebassenget. - Så, gi han et glass vann, da. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water. A skót a kertben kaszálja a füvet, amikor kiszól neki a neje: - John, két úr van itt. A faluban épülő új uszodára gyűjtenek. Mit adjak nekik? - Két vödör vizet. A skót gyerek odaszalad az anyjához: - Anyu, az ajtóban áll egy bácsi! - És mit akar? - A most épülő uszodára gyűjt! - Adj neki két vödör vizet! "Jantje, er wordt gebeld. Doe je even open?" Jantje: "Ja pap!" Man aan de deur: "Hallo jongetje, ik kom collecteren voor een zwembad." "Vader, ze komen collecteren voor een zwembad!" Vader: "Geef... Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water... Daddy somebody’s at the door. He’s collecting for the district’s new indoor swimming pool. Ok, give him a bucket of water then. Ένας τύπος ήρθε στη πόρτα να μου ζητήσει δωρεά για τη δημοτική πισίνα και του έδωσα ένα ποτήρι νερό!
A Children’s Charity knocked on my door earlier today asking for a donation to help them build a swimming pool so I gave them a bucket of water.
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Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to have a shiт and it turns out to be a fаrт?
Does anyone else get dissapointed when they feel like they are going to fаrт and it turns out to be a shiт?
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Guy: FAIL!!!
Other Guy: No one wants to hear about your life
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I wish I were a unicorn…. so I could stab idiots with my head.
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Q:What can you catch, but not throw?
A:A cold.
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The local hospital for the criminally insane has been trying to help the inmates adjust to society and also get exercise at the same time. So, they built a nice nature center with a nature trail around the grounds.
What did they name this nature trail?
What else, Рsyсhо Path.
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They were the type of children who would кill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.
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That akward moment when your girlfriend come to you and asks " How do i look ?" but by mistake she steps of your foot with those heels and you scream out " SНIТ ! "
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How to get free pizza on NYE.
Order a pizza 5 minutes before midnight and then when the person arrives get really angry and shout “I ordered the dамn thing a year ago!” .
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My wife has just asked me if I want to go upstairs with her and she’ll put on a Black Lacy number for me.
I said, “No thanks, I fuскing hate Agadoo.”
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A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
Monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they
Are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, pointing
Out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be
Continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk says,
"We have been copying from the copies for centuries,but
You make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
Against the original. Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the
Monks goes downstairs to look for him.
Hearing sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the old monk
Leaning over one of the original books crying.
He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply,
"The word is celebrate."
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Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American Archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
“American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their Ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians”.
One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
“After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely fuск all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless!
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If Gillette continue to increase the amount of blades on their razors, then we’re going to end up shaving with cheese graters.
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